New Research on Whale Sharks Revealed to be “Gentile Gentle Giants”


Written by: Max Fine

After praying to the golden calf, the whale sharks were seen engaging in whole-hog BBQ.
Photo by Sharon Roth

Researchers at UCSD’s Scripps Institute of Oceanography have made the groundbreaking discovery that whale sharks are gentile, or not of the Jewish faith. It had been agreed-upon by scholars that one hundred percent of whale sharks were Jewish. However, research conducted by UCSD’s head shark researcher Hector Damill had, in his words, “completely revitalized the academic discussion on the religious faith of whale sharks.”

Mr. Damill explained, “I was out kayaking in La Jolla Cove one Saturday afternoon, really exercising my quads, when I saw a group of whale sharks swimming off to what I can only assume to be work. During the Sabbath! I was so shocked I almost dropped my oar.” This discovery, Damill claimed, “really got my mind wandering.” He continued, “I think that no researcher really had the courage to ask themselves: what if we have been wrong about the whale shark this whole time?”

It has been thought that whale sharks were members of the Jewish faith since the 1960s, when whale shark research was in its nascent stages. Doctor Darren Ramos, the world’s first specialized whale shark researcher, was the original person to proclaim the faith of the whale shark. Dr. Ramos had stated, “after observing the whale shark for six years, not once have I seen a whale shark from sundown on Friday to sundown on Saturday. It was just the logical conclusion to believe they’re Jewish.” In his memoir on the subject, “Whale Sharks: Not Gentile Gentle Giants,” Ramos also mentioned having “a commitment to spend Saturdays with my then wife, trying to explain why I was studying the religious habits of whale sharks”, which shed light on the subject. Damill stated, “I know it’s required reading, but I never knew anyone else who actually read that memoir. That part made me take all of Dr. Ramos’s conclusions with a grain of sea salt.”

Damill mentioned that the current goal of researchers is to determine the faith of the whale shark. There are several theories, the most prominent being that whale sharks actually make sacrifices to the ancient Greek god Poseidon. Damill has described that as “nonsense,” and that, “there is absolutely no research or statistics that suggest that whale sharks follow an ancient Greek faith and worship Poseidon.” He argued that without proper funding from the university, there will be no way to pay enough undergrad researchers to follow whale sharks, stating “I know the state of the world, and I know most of the money has to go to Covid research. However, until proper funding is given, we will never know the true faith of the whale shark. The question will remain, what is the faith of the gentile gentle giant? Also: how would whale sharks track days of the week? And: what even is whale shark work?”

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