Local Woman’s Cystic Acne “Actually Says Something Really Nice” in Braille


Written by: Megan Cox

“It’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever spelled out on their face for me,” said Funke.
Photo by Jack Yang

UC San Diego Freshman Ruby Stone has recently discovered her cystic acne spells out “You Are Beautiful Just The Way You Are” in Braille. “I first realized I had bad skin in middle school,” said Stone in an interview. “Bullies have called me ‘lumpy face’ or said things like, ‘Ruby can commit any crime she wants! If she goes to jail, she’ll just break out.’ And I know it — you can use a napkin and dab the grease of my skin like a skinny bitch does with shitty pizza. But because of this message, I have finally learned to love my body — greasy puss bumps and all!”

Stone has reportedly been dating Ronald Funke, a blind man, for several months. Last weekend, Funke made the discovery of the braille message. “Because of my engorged red pores, I have only felt comfortable dating blind people … I guess it’s more like only blind people have been comfortable dating me,” said Stone. “Even with Ronald though, I was trying to avoid having him touch my face so he wouldn’t realize that I’m an oily gnarled monster. The other night, when we were together, I got careless and he felt my face. What he discovered, though, was unbelievable.”

In addition to the message on Stone’s face, Funke also discovered a message in Stone’s back acne, reading “Don’t Be Afraid to Follow Your Dreams.” Dr. Sanda Barchus from UC San Diego Health states that this phenomenon is actually more common than you might think. “When people say ‘listen to your body,’ they often mean it quite literally. There are several cases of very touching messages being spelled out in stretch marks or yellow stains on teeth. What people see as shameful parts of their appearance are actually beautiful messages from their bodies.”

Local man, Walter Jacobs, disagrees with Dr. Barchus’s stance. He states, “I’m no fancy-pants doctor, but I still know acne is a real boner killer. No matter how beautiful of a braille message those bumps left, I still think that girl should get rid of it.” Jacobs has reportedly also struggled with acne since the age of 13, but he claims that “It’s different. I’m a guy.”

Stone claims she has learned a lot from this experience: “I have learned that dermatologists are scam artists. I’ve also realized there are a lot of things women should be insecure about: their weight, their height, their smell, their hair, their personality. But they should be proud of their acne!”

Managing Editor

Beans Cox is a crystal carrying, palm/tarot reading, vegan hipster who is obviously from Portland, Oregon. Her favorite type of bean is pinto.

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