After opening the invitation letter, Trump was reportedly surrounded by animated text reading, “Donald Trumps the Competition.”
Photo by Jack Yang
Over the summer, many fans of the hit videogame Undertale were ecstatic to hear that the infamous character Sans would be a costume for the Mii Gunner in the upcoming downloadable content for Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. However, upon hearing this news President Donald Trump made it clear that he “felt nothing but disgust and horror” for such an action to have happened.
“I always knew this was the endgame of those Mexican immigrants,” Trump told reporters, “They love skeletons way too much over there, and now they’re letting people think that skeletons are okay. But everyone knows skeletons are the worst monsters of all and shouldn’t be anywhere near the human body.” After a reporter tried to explain to Trump about how “skeletons are an important part of biology,” the president put his hands over his ears and started to repeatedly sing his name to the tune of “The Star-Spangled Banner.” The press conference ended shortly after.
In response, Trump has attempted to ban not only skeletons and skeleton imagery, but also to any sort of bones whatsoever. Though nobody in Congress has indicated entertaining this bill, numerous followers of the president’s Twitter feed gave the bill their support. One such follower was 13 year old Ian Vurtibray, a Carlsbad resident who had various casts around his body.
“Skeletons are just, like, creepy,” said Vurtibray, “And, like, bones are the worst part of anyone’s day. If I can just not have any, that’d be totally dope.” Vurtibray then proceeded to attempt to skateboard away from reporters but was unable to move far as he was propelling himself with only his crutches. After several minutes, Vurtibray called his mother and asked if she could pick him up instead.
Many Halloween stores have objected to the bill, as they have been preparing for the Halloween season with various skeleton and bone imagery, and they express worry that such a ban could hurt their business. “I mean honestly, skeletons are a classic Halloween image,” complained one store owner, Carry Corrin, “If Trump was really as good of a businessman as he claims to be, he’d let this silly thing go so that we can actually operate the best we can.”
Currently the bill has not moved much further than Trump’s proposition. Though reporters attempted to contact Trump to get more
information, they were told by First Lady Melania Trump that the president was “hiding under the covers with all the night lights turned on.” Before dismissing reporters, she brought out a bony rib cage and proceeded to play it like a xylophone, which was followed by a high-pitched scream in the distance.
