November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II


Local Gamer Returns to Neglected Minecraft Server to Find Ongoing Race War

Written by: Sage Cristal

“It’s all about the framing,” said one pillager analyst on the above image. “What you don’t see here is the years and years of marginalization.”
Photo by Jack Yang

Local gamer Niko Cambrara contacted authorities late last Saturday to report a hate crime that took place on his Minecraft server. In a police report released to the public, Cambrara stated that after getting home from work at UCSD’s HDH offices, he logged on to his singleplayer Minecraft world which he had not been on in over three years. Once inside the realm, Cambrara noticed that there was something wrong with the wood cabin he had built in a swamp biome. Cambrara reportedly found the floor in his cabin covered in blood.

Cambrara sent a video to reporters the following morning in which he describes the hate crime in detail. “I loaded my chunks, and I couldn’t tell if the floor in my house was covered in blood or redstone dust. But it was pretty clear once I looked outside my window and saw a burning cross of netherrack that this was no laughing matter. That’s when I saw them: the Pillagers, who were actively slaughtering the Villagers whom I loved and cared for all those years. It was horrifying.”

Cambrara said that although shaken up by the hateful acts, he is no stranger to violence. “In the time I took off from Minecraft, I picked up other games. I’ve played Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, as well as Borderlands 3 and Wolfenstien: Youngblood. All of those games have violence. Hell, even Super Mario Maker 2 showed humans curb-stomping Goombas. But I didn’t ever expect to find that in Minecraft.”

Reporters followed up Cambrara’s statement with questions surrounding the ongoing race war that is taking place in the United States at this moment in time. Cambrara told reporters, “I don’t know anything about a race war here in the States. I’m white, and nobody has ever attacked me for that. I think the more important issue here is the political unrest that is taking place on my personal Minecraft server. I doubt anyone would really understand the oppression that Steves and Alexes are feeling in the aftermath of this violent crime.”

The lead detective investigating Cambrara’s claims held a press conference this morning to address public concerns of fear and vulnerability. Detective Harry Crench told reporters, “Since being contacted by Niko Cambrara, we are looking into a possible race war that exists between Villagers and so called “Illagers.” Through my research, I have found that Illagers are a recent phenomenon who are exceptionally violent towards Villagers and Playing Characters. Until we speak with Mojang directly, I recommend setting your game to Peaceful Mode and staying a safe distance away from any hostile mobs.”

Fairy Godmother at The MQ

Sage Cristal is the woman of your dreams. She sings, she dances, and has a WWE Championship Replica Title Belt. She is currently training to be the next American Ninja Warrior.

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