The MQ
Top Ten Reasons You Should Be Suspicious of That Doctor
1. When they write a prescription, they say they’re referring you to “their dealer”
2. He insists that people refer to him as “Mr.” instead of “Dr.”
3. They pushed the idea of a prostate exam a little too hard
4. You’re pretty sure they’re a pre-med student
5. For some reason they keep salting you
6. They’re using their stethoscope as a belt
7. Half of the office is being used as a meat locker
8. You saw them looking things up on WebMD
9. They have their doctorate in journalism
10. They own the mortuary next door
Top Ten Reasons the Aliens Have Yet to Take Over
1. They only visited Ohio
2. Not enough “S” spots
3. They don’t want to deal with climate change
4. Oxygen is incredibly poisonous to most intelligent life
5. They only put in the effort to learn hieroglyphics, and now they have to start over
6. Education is free on Mars
7. They knew that if they all came here, we’d all want to fuck them
8. They don’t want to eat dinner with your racist uncle
9. You think they haven’t taken over?
10. Budget cuts
Top Ten Reasons You Should be Running
1. You saw the Corgi Man out of the corner of your eye
2. You’re about to be the most dangerous game
3. You lost track of the person you were stalking
4. You have the pumped-up kicks and he has a gun
5. You woke up upright on a turned-on treadmill
6. Someone tried flirting with you and you’re terrified of intimacy
7. You heard the ice cream truck’s jingle
8. You just realized the final started an hour ago
9. What else are you going to do, fight the bear?
10. There aren’t enough women in politics
Top Ten Things You Will Have to Do for Yourself Now That You’re Not Living with Your Parents
1. Ask yourself when you will be getting a significant other
2. Learn to cook an egg without burning down your house this time
3. Miss your own soccer games
4. Desperately seek your own approval
5. Catch yourself … you know
6. Find humor in Minion memes
7. Complain about changing the thermostat
8. Neglect calling yourself every day
9. Set your own parental controls on your computer
10. Continue the tradition of starting shit with your aunt
Top Ten Things You Didn’t Expect to Find in that Time Capsule
1. A picture taken of you just yesterday
2. Your financial aid
3. A Vallartas burrito. This is probably still good, right?
4. Little Kassandra. She went missing all those years ago …
5. The ancient evil your forebearers sealed away
6. A peaceful resolution to the Israel-Palestine conflict
7. A check from 1960, where the minimum wage is somehow higher than yours
8. Malaysia Airlines Flight 370
9. A second, smaller time capsule
10. Yourself
Top Ten Things to Leave Off Your Resume
1. Your ability to watch three seasons of any given show in one day
2. Trained expertise in heavily embellishing job application documents
3. The estimated age and weight of the interviewer
4. That time you kicked a child
5. The blood type you think tastes best
6. Ties to Russia
7. Your freelance mortician days
8. Your lack of 20 years of experience at age 20
9. Your cameo in Wild Sluts 4
10. Social Media Advisor: Elon Musk, Summer 2018
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OMG! You guys would not believe what cute stuff I got for my dorm, all from shopping exclusively on Amazon! From enchanting floral string-lights to a …
