By Martha Christianson
Failed Parent

Hello! Yeah, hello, Susie! You’re just the cutest baby, huh? Do you want to hear what your siblings were up to last weekend? Well, this little piggy.. Oh, does that tickle?

THIS little piggy went to a frat party. Do you know what that is, Susie? That’s where your brother Jacob goes every Saturday to drink a lot of alcohol with his friends! Glug, glug, glug, Susie! Can you say “glug?” Glug, glug, glug! He does some very questionable things to women there, yes he does!

This little piggy went to Jacob’s frat party and snorted some cocaine! Your sister Beatrice doesn’t care about her health and has a bloody-wuddy nosey-wosey, yes she does! Can you say, “cocaine?” Can you say “Becky Moddey is a Fake Bitch that Beatrice should drop from her life because she keeps giving her cocaine and enabling bad decisions?” No you can’t, but you will in about 18 years! Yes you will!

And this little piggy went to Tijuana and hasn’t come back yet. Your big sis Karen went to Mexico last weekend! Wow! You’ve never left the country yet, have you, Susie? Well, Karen is only 19 years old, so she can’t glug, glug, glug like Jacob legally in this country, and she goes to Mexico to become intoxicated! What a long word, huh, Susie? Intoxicated! It means she drinks too much and gets into dangewwous si-choo-ay-shuns with her shawwow fwiends! She begged for an iPhone XS and we got for her, didn’t we, Susie! But it doesn’t really seem worth it now that she won’t answer it, does it? Her fancy face ID isn’t stopping her from getting mugged and murdered in an alleyway while she’s drunk off her ass, is it? No, it’s not!

This little piggy is in the emergency room! Yes, Susie, your brother Martin broke his legs because he jumped off a roof! He was at a house party, trying to forget about the frat that wouldn’t let him join, and he got wasted! But not before he smashed into Kyle Booker’s TV! Now I have to pay $500 to replace his TV and I have to find out what the hospital is going to charge me for Martin’s broken bones! Yes I do! Yes I fucking do, Susie!

And this little piggy went “omg momn my heels hurt so much bbitch haha mom can u have more money for delta kappa dues pls I can’t afford it but I’m literally going to die without it this is all I have mom since dad died I’m going to cry omg mom I gtg Becky just threw up in the Uber” all the way home!