See Your Favorite Nintendo Switch Games From a Whole New Position With the Newly Released Nintendo Top and Nintendo Bottom!

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Written by: Matthew Ware

Photo by Maria Dhilla

On June 1, the two most fabulous consoles in “gayming” history will be available in an American store near you: The Nintendo Top and The Nintendo Bottom. You gays and your fun little terms! Top, bottom, switch and all that. Or top, bottom, vers? Whatever it was, we’ve got the product for you! To show our support for our lovable gays during Pride Month, our team of artists and researchers designed these new consoles so that you can show off your support too! Yas, queen!

After watching a couple episodes of RuPaul’s Drag Race and conducting an interview with our only gay employee, we are proud to say that we think we nailed it! For the Nintendo Bottom, we wanted to design a console that our freshly-douched male clientele could take “Pride” in. Play Animal Crossing on your trips to the salon, or Animal Crossing while getting dominated in bed by your big, manly partner. No longer will you have to choose between yelling, “I AM A BOTTOM,” to a crowd of shirtless men, as we know you regularly do, and playing Animal Crossing on your next ferry to Fire Island! To achieve this, we attached leather wrist straps around the Joy-Con controllers for easier handling. We’ve also changed the Joy-Con controllers to produce stronger vibration feedback so that your experience is amplified as you get dominated in Smash. Lastly, we decided to make the joysticks on each controller look like the head of a penis, because we know how much bottoms are always thinking about cock.

Exclusively for our alpha gamers (sorry ladies), the Nintendo Top will be sure to satisfy all our sexy, gym-loving beefcakes. Our tech wizards have added bioelectrical impedance analysis technology into the Joy-Con controllers so you can enjoy calculating your body fat percentage while playing Cooking Mama. In addition, the controllers can also measure your heart rate as you sculpt your almostperfect body into looking like Donkey Kong or a Machamp. Dr. Mario would be blushing! And to “top” it all off, each Nintendo Top weighs a full 50 pounds more than other models! Nobody will ever question the fact that you are a one-dimensional meathead ever again!

With either console, we have made it possible for players to log into their Grindr account to find local players and play their favorite games over the internet. In addition, a Nintendo Top and a Nintendo Bottom can be synced up so that tops can set limits on play time for their bottoms, as well as remotely activate the rumble feature on their bottom’s joycons. Werk!

There will be six exciting launch titles: The Legend of Zelda: The Skyward Dildo, Mario Kart 69: Drag Racing, Luigi’s Mansion 5 (which features our first openly-gay Boos that are sort of implied to be male, shoved in the corner of one of the rooms — close enough to imply they might be kissing!), Gay Tetris, Pokémon Top (only available for Nintendo Top), and Pokémon Bottom (only available for Nintendo Bottom). For our upcoming Pokémon games, Game Freak has now allowed users to breed pokémon of the same gender. In addition, pokémon can now use Attract on pokémon of the same gender. No other video game has ever made this kind of stride for gay rights, so don’t miss out!

For $450.00, you can get either console which comes with your choice of an exclusive gays-only sticker. Options for stickers include “Out and Proud Gaymer,” “Harder, Bowser!” and “Anal sex is my One-Up.” Just remember to make your purchases before June 30, because afterwards, you won’t be able to tell these offers ever existed. Maybe other gamers haven’t decided which sexual roles they prefer, but now you can show the world you’re not a switch, you’re a Nintendo Top or a Nintendo Bottom!

Editor’s note: Upon reading this, our gay employee has informed us that the correct term is vers, not switch, and he thought we were making a BDSM-themed console. However, we already have 10,000 Nintendo Tops and Nintendo Bottoms in production, and to be honest we never really cared about getting it right. Preorder yours today!

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