College Student Swears By “The Graduate” Method; Friends Call It “Mommy Issues”

Zagard described the moves of his latest date to be “just like Mom used to make.”
Photo by Jack Yang

After major backlash from community members, the US Supreme Court released the sealed documents of the Zagard v Mejid case to the general public. The documents revealed the true events of the night of October 31, 2018, when Brian Zagard presented what he later coined “The Graduate Method” to the rest of his fraternity at the Phi Delta House. Sahar Mejid, the person Zagard spoke of the method in depth, described Zagard’s explanation of the method as “living like a young, sexy Dennis Hoffman and finding a really cool girl who really understands my space and independence as a man.”

After having to sit for two hours in one of the bedrooms of the fraternity house, Mejid took her case to court claiming “The agony I felt during and after that talk with Brian left me scared and mentally unable to think of the band Simon & Garfunkel without shuddering, so naturally, I’m suing for reparations.” The case was presented in San Diego’s District Central Supreme Court, but dismissed due to lack of compelling evidence. Soon after, Mejid appealed to the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals where the case gained major media coverage. This eventually led to the case being picked up by the Supreme Court.

Dr. Darshan Lagaths, a leading expert in traveling phlebotomy who assisted in the case, testified, “Many young men who wind up watching ‘The Graduate,’ ultimately always seem to be left with the understanding that the most desirable significant other is a distant and older counterpart who only uses you for sex in an attempt to get revenge on their actual partners.” The case revealed that men between the ages of 18-23 who idolize the romantic relationship of Dennis Hoffman in “The Graduate” have internalized misogyny and “mommy issues,” as well as a shocking “coincidental” correlation with men who relate “on a personal level” to Tyler Durden in “Fight Club” and Scott Pilgrim in “Scott Pilgrim vs. The World.”

Many San Diego lawyers advised Mejid to only file her case on the district level. One lawyer, Jonathan Baled, explained that Mejid “had no grounds to take her case to the federal level. With no outrageous amount of damages, judges would not be moved by the sentiment.” Mejid refiled her case, claiming over $75,000 in damages for a specific occurrence during the night that was revealed in Mejid’s classmate Richie Markers’ testimony.

Marker, a close friend of Mejid, testified to judges that she had texted him at the time of the party to beg for sanctuary. “She sounded pretty desperate to leave Brian so I did the only logical thing that I could do.” Marker was found walking over to the the home of his neighbor, 94 year-old Patty Griffis, where he reportedly asked her to come over in five minutes and threatened to call the cops. Griffis told reporters, “I was awoken from my sleep and already dizzy. I think the boy asked me to turn my music down and so I walked over to my Samsung and turned it off.” Griffis reportedly turned on the radio, causing a disturbance to the neighborhood and resulting in a call to the cops. Mejid was among the students who were taken away by the cops.

One of the last few documents to be released was an affidavit from Zagard’s character witness, Jerry Sprice. “Listen, who wouldn’t want like a super hot babe who knows when to be present and when not to be present in our lives. That’s every bro’s dream. I mean like Brian definitely doesn’t talk to his mom anymore because like she doesn’t love him or whatever, but that doesn’t even matter. I wouldn’t want to date that girl, but I love my mom. Wait, what was the question?”