Top Ten Ways the Elf on the Shelf Has Ruined Your Life

10. Got your son used to a surveillance state
11. Took the Christ out of Christmas
12. Entombed you into the cellar after the promise of a cask of Martinelli’s
13. Confirmed your suspicions of spousal infidelity
14. He spent way too much on his secret santa gift and made you look bad
15. Your landlord added him to the lease and now you’re paying double
16. He teamed up with your rich tennis rival to kick your ass at doubles
17. He went to a local frat party and gave you COVID
18. He ruined the job prospects of the Mensch on a Bench
19. His birthday is on Christmas and that makes it weird