Written by: Jack Yang

The Elusive “Jack” Referred to by Joe Biden Finally Breaks His Silence

According to the latest reports from the CIA, the ubiquitous “Jack” commonly referred to by the presidentelect is actually an middleaged librarian living in Smackover, Arkansas.

“It was uncanny,” one analyst claimed. “We were playing his latest speech backwards, and apparently Biden says, ‘Listen here, Jack,’ and lists a series of precise coordinates when played backwards.”

Jack Korne Pope, who has long been wary of the president- elect’s campaign and eventual nomination, agreed to an interview. “Day in and day out, this man calls my name and delivers me these inscrutable messages,” said Pope. “At first it was just a little strange, hearing him look through the computer screen at me, speaking my name. Then, the true terror came: his mumblings. I hear them. Everywhere.”

“I know now,” Pope continued, “that he is my foe. Every day he sits at the top, at the pinnacle of power, taunting me with his charming anecdotes about Fig Newtons and cleaning pools. He foolishly believes that he can ascend to the ranks of the immortals, to unlock the mysteries of reality. But his ambitions will be his downfall.”

In response to the news, Biden claimed ignorance. “Listen here, Jack, I had no idea any of this was happening. But, if there was a challenger to my eternal apotheosis, rising from the rabble, he is helpless compared to my newfound powers.”

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