Hey everyone. It’s me. George Washington. I’ve been haunting America since I died. Apparently, I can’t move on now because people are saying that I’m a “morally corrupt person” who “tried to erase Native American culture and forcefully took their land” and am “a massive hypocrite” because I “owned slaves” despite fighting a war based on “a person’s intrinsic freedom and the concept that all men are created equal.” Whatever. That’s not why I’m here. No, I’m here because I wanted to say something. Something important.
I told you so. I told you so! I called it! Yes! I told you so I told you so I told you so I told you so!!
Whew. That felt so good to say. I admit, I have gotten a lot of things wrong. A lot. Okay, so letting only white men vote despite me knowing so many accomplished women? That’s on me. Using my slaves as a way to get real teeth for my dentures? My bad guys. Hindsight 20/20 and all that. I’m not even going to mention the clusterfuck that is the wording of the Second Amendment.
But political parties? You have to give me political parties. Not only was I right about it for this election — I’ve been right about it for almost every other election. I set a precedent against partisanship, I have been on record decrying partisanship, I am the only independent President to date, and I don’t think that’s changing anytime soon. Please give me this. I was wrong about so many things I think I’m in hell and am being punished for everything I did in life.
Wait. Is this hell? Oh, God this is hell. I should’ve realized it earlier! Guns can’t be this good at killing people! 24-hour news cycles can’t exist! Almost half of America can’t have still voted for someone who put literal children in literal cages! People can’t really vote based solely upon a party label while ignoring four years of catastrophes! This has to be hell, because if it isn’t then … I have no earthly idea what’s going on anymore. I was born in 1732. Germs hadn’t been invented yet. Sandwiches hadn’t been invented yet. Vaccines hadn’t been invented yet. God, vaccines! If I had been vaccinated as a child, I might not be sterile. The invention and subsequent disparagement of vaccines is the number one reason why I’m sure this is my personal hell.
Okay, existential crisis aside, we should remember that I told you so. If “you” exist. If I exist. Please, let me just not exist anymore. God, if you’re even out there, which I’m doubting more and more every single day, please end my suffering. If history is written by the victors, what does that make me? I’ve been buoyed by being right about partisanship, but it’s all downhill from here. I was right, though. We can’t forget that.