Election Results Uncertain, US to be Returned to the United Kingdom


Written by: Yuri Bukhradze

Paul Revere forgot to bring the mini sandwiches to the Boston Tea Party.
Photo by Jack Yang

The British Parliament, responding to claims of election fraud within the United States presidential election, recently announced a campaign to regain control over the United States. The plan includes “recovery of ‘the Thirteen Colonies’ as well as all other territories gained by the rebels following the insurrection.”

The spokesman for the Crown, Sir William Samuel Harrington, elaborated on the campaign in a recent press conference: “We are closely following the situation in the United States. We just can’t sit and watch as our chance to regain worldwide influence slips out of our hands, like democracy did from the Colonies.”

The plan to annex the United States was confirmed by the Royal Navy and Royal Air Force, who plan to work together with the Canadian Armed Forces to begin invasions “as soon as possible.” Canada, according to Harrington, will remain autonomous “due to the relatively stable political climate, and the fact that they asked nicely instead of pulling an insurrection like a certain other country we know.”

Parliament also outlined several benefits of the reintegration plan for the American population. “The main positive impact is expected to be the lack of any sort of elections,” said Harrington. “We’ll go back to the traditional system where the colonies never received any representation, thus eliminating any possibility of political uncertainty or difficulties in counting votes.”

“We wanted to do our best to help the Americans stabilize the political situation,” said Lord Albert Worcester III, the appointed governor of the Fifty Colonies, “by making it impossible for them to affect the political situation in the first place. Worcester, while pouring tea from a thoroughly blackened kettle, continued, “They have made it pretty clear they can’t be trusted at this point.”

The White House responded to the announced plans with confusion. Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany said that the intentions of the British Crown are “disturbing,” however the current situation around the elections “makes it impossible to figure out a comprehensive response because it is unclear what we would be responding to.” The Pentagon announced that the US Armed Forces will try their best to defend from foreign invaders, but the outcome will largely depend on “who exactly wins the elections, as that affects [their] funding.” Both presidential candidates refused to comment on the situation.

In the meantime, the United Kingdom is issuing documents that outline the gradual process of American reintegration: plans to rename both the city and the state of Washington into “George III,” as well as intentions to reintroduce 18th century fashion “as a throwback to the good old days.” The cultural agenda involves banning the showing of the musical Hamilton as “revolutionary propaganda.”

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