Study Shows the Parties You’ve Been Hosting are Actually Kickbacks

New research from the UCSD’s Local Administration on Manners and Extroversion (L.A.M.E.) shows that those parties you’ve been hosting are probably kickbacks.

Dr. Annie Clayton has put together a team of data analysts to help understand the nature of typical UCSD get-togethers. “Here at L.A.M.E we’ve been doing research to define the difference between a party and a kickback,” said Dr. Clayton. “Our data shows that UCSD students are widely misusing the term ‘party.’”

Dr. Clayton’s team has found that 76 percent of UCSD undergraduates will use the term “party” to define a get together of between eight and twelve people, 66 percent will use the term when the entire attendance is of the same gender, and 35 percent will use the term if there is no drugs or alcohol available whatsoever. These percentages are significantly higher than what L.A.M.E. measured at SDSU.

Dr. Clayton says, “You and your bros getting high and playing Smash Bros is not a party. You hosting an event that only eight people show up to is not a party. You crying while eating guacamole, drinking Jager, and listening to Old Town Road is really not a party … C’mon you guys, it’s not actually that hard. I guess it is called UC Socially Dead for a Reason”