Written by: Stephen Lightfoot

Local Mall Santa Claims it is Impossible to Have One Ho, Must Have Three

After showing up to work two and a half hours late with an “absolutely killer hangover,” local mall Santa Chris Penn has recently announced that he is officially turning over a new leaf. “I know I bring tons of joy to kids all around the globe, or like, county in this case, but it’s a pain in the absolute ass dude. They always run around, screaming and breaking all my shit, and I’ve had enough. From now on, I’m taking control of my life, and that means exploring a part of Santa that I feel the media doesn’t cover — his wild side with the ladies. I’m a method actor, so I really can’t do it any other way.”

Since his announcement, Penn has been living the high life — spending his money on fast cars, alcohol and drugs, all of which now litter the small shack in UTC where Penn works. He was recently spotted listening to explicit remixes of Christmas carols and drinking Jack Daniel’s straight from the bottle with his new entourage of what Penn has called “Santa’s Personal Helpers.”

As a result of Penn’s decisions, parents from all across the county have stopped their kids from visiting Santa in UTC. “My parents told me that I could send a letter, but it isn’t the same,” seven year-old Tim Anderson said. “Going to see Santa meant we could get Dippin’ Dots from that one machine in the mall, but now my dad said that Santa is a womanizer, so we’re seeing a new Santa downtown, who’s apparently a classical actor. Whatever that means.”

Editor in Chief Emeritus at The MQ

Stephen Lightfoot is Editor in Chief of The MQ.

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