Disney Launches Baby Rancor to Distract From Monopolistic Gains
At D23, Disney released its newest project “STAR WARS: Greedo’s Gambit.” Kathleen Kennedy has released the following statement: “After re-releasing the “A New Hope” cut for the third and fourth time with Greedo’s signature catchphrase, “Maclunkey,” and the three minute cut where Greedo just orders a drink and catches up with Han Solo about the Clone Wars, we’ve decided that we should just invest more time into this beloved character before we pixelate the scene anymore. Since we know Greedo is a fan favorite, and is most deserving of a movie, we’re also going to give him a cuddly companion: a baby rancor monster!”
Bob Iger was spotted exiting the convention center out the back door, directly after the Greedo reveal, reportedly yelling into a cell phone, “They tried to make the fuckin’ Rancor cute? How is that going to sell well? We are currently purchasing Taiwan so that we can sell it to China, and they throw that up as a distraction?” Iger was seen leaving the scene in the Mickey Mouse Abrahms Tank that purchases all vehicles it destroys for a third the Kelley Blue Book Value. Public reaction towards this new “cash grab” character is yet to be seen. However, sources say the D23 convention venue has been set on fire by a “gathering of old, musty fanboys.”
Andrew Sitko was recently arrested by the comedy police and charged for Possession of Killer Jokes. This is their second offense following a Grand Larceny charge from January 27th, 2003.