Report Finds Impossible Whopper Killed 12 People, Considered “Healthiest Burger on the Market”

Written by: Ram Sivapalan

One of the twelve eulogies reportedly stated: “Now they will always have it their way.”
Photo by Jack Yang

Pew Research has found the Impossible Whopper from Burger King to be the cause of 12 reported deaths as of October 29, 2019. Their report has been cited by the Guinness Book of World Records as proof of the burger’s newly achieved title: “Healthiest Fast Food Burger in History,” with the previous record-holder being McDonalds’ Filet-o-Fish.

“I’m very pleased with the results of this study,” says Daniel Schwartz, CEO of Burger King, at a recent event. “The fact that we’ve only killed 12 people thus far indicates just how dedicated Burger King is to creating a fast food environment that is cheap, oily, and healthy all at the same time. Moving forward we can only hope to ring in the new year with another few pawns going to bat for what we call the future of fast food!”

Local man Joseph King has taken a vow to stand in front of his neighborhood BK and constantly reenact the bite take from the Impossible Whopper commercial until he is put on television. “It’s just so good, and man it really tastes like the real deal!” he explained between chews. King boasted that, “on an off night when I’m not in the hospital from Whopper related health scares, I can get up to twelve other fans out here with me sharing the love and getting the word out.” The free marketing has caught the eye of local plant-based food enthusiast Ann Planter. “What’s a few people now and again to the thousands of animals out there dying every day to get you your chicken nuggets and real Whoppers?” Planter posted in a recent update on her blog. “It’s a miracle, I never dreamed I’d be lending my voice to promoting any kind of Burger King fare, let alone their healthy fast food?!” Planter remains active online with daily lifestyle hacks, including a convenient real-time Whopper death counter.

Fan fiction writers familiar with the Pew Research data have taken up with the idea that Burger King is carrying out a systematic reaping. Emboldened by commercials and BK propaganda, Bons Ringman is urging the public to “look at the real message here!” A notable fan fiction contributor and subscriber, Ringman cited veiled comments such as “ringing in the new year with another few going to bat …,” made by Schwartz. “I realize this may hit hard with your face stuffed in a burger, but I bid you an early happy Hunger Games!” He has henceforth been silent on his threads and the online communities he frequented.

Outside local buzz, talks with the USDA are currently underway to have the Impossible Whopper featured as the poster food item for a new rising major food group called “Quick Foods.” If approved, this move would both cement the Impossible Whopper in the food pyramid and put the burger in school cafeterias across the country, as the administration rolls back on previous “healthy” food initiatives, including mandated fruit and vegetables servings. In an official statement by the department: “by popular demand and our determination to better serve this nation, we relinquish our crusade against the salty grease pig that is fast food and look to the future with the Impossible Whopper as a guiding light.”

Copy Editor at The MQ

When not masterminding his Ponzi scheme which sells wrist bracelets woven from the hairs of the endangered Himalayan Mountain Rams, Ram competitively corn whittles, a sport in which he holds two international titles awarded by the Council of Intercollegiate Multipurpose Rooms. His most prized whittled project is a twice beheaded statue of a My Little Pony's Pinkie Pie gazing at the Costa Rican Sunset over dumpsters overrun by a frenzy of Spider Monkeys.

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