New Trump Healthcare Program Supplies Public With Healing Crystals


Written by: Megan Cox

Doctors are encouraging patients to look at their prescribed crystals at least twice a day.
Photo by Jack Yang

In January 2020, the Trump administration will roll out its newest healthcare program, which supplies citizens with “healing crystals.” This new program came after nationwide criticism of President Trump’s 2018 “American Patients First” health care program. Before putting the crystal policy in motion, President Trump tweeted, “Oh, so you guys didn’t like my Healthcare Plan? You bitches can fight over some crystals now. At least it’s still better than ObamaCare … #MAGA.”

President Trump claims he got the idea for the plan after seeing a blog post by the group “You Could Have Had a Bad Witch” from Portland, Oregon. The group claims that they are Portland’s only “all Wiccan smoke circle.” According to the group’s founder, Gullveig Moore, “‘You Could Have Had a Bad Witch’ is an inspired group. We aren’t just outcasted emo high schoolers drowning their daddy issues in protection spells, we are a Hierarchical Gardnerian Wiccan Coven. So when we say we know our crystals, you know we goddamn mean it.”

Moore was a fundamental figure in creating and implementing crystal related governmental policy. “I’m very happy to be a part of Trump’s Crystal Reformation and Healing Act. Of course, this act won’t be able to provide free crystals for Americans, but it will be able to offer needy people majestic stones for about $11 a crystal, which is an astounding discount.” Gullveig Moore’s sister, Jennifer Moore, says, “I thought Gullveig was just always going to be that weird aunt who made Thanksgiving dinner super uncomfortable for the rest of the family. But, I don’t know now … this Thanksgiving, she refused to eat unless we let her keep her dab pen and her amulet on the table. But at least now this little hobby is inspiring real political action.”

Gullvieg claims that “Western doctors are really overlooking the physical and metaphysical healing properties of crystals. Physical ailments are really just corruptions of the spiritual aura. For example, if someone is complaining about something like cancer, they should really try using amazonite or garnet stones before seeing an actual doctor.” Ruppert Bates, a 58 year-old man from Montana who is diagnosed with stage three pancreatic cancer, has a different perspective. When Bates could no longer afford his chemotherapy costs, he was put in a trial group for Moore and her team. Bates claims, “I was a third grade teacher before this, y’know. I didn’t realize how bad my healthcare was before I got diagnosed. I had to retire early and now I just can’t foot the bill for chemo anymore. Today some lady in a MAGA hat smoking a blunt gave me an amethyst … This country is fucked.”

Managing Editor

Beans Cox is a crystal carrying, palm/tarot reading, vegan hipster who is obviously from Portland, Oregon. Her favorite type of bean is pinto.

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