Local Laptop Has Existential Crisis After Being Put on Desk, Starts Lifestyle Blog


Written by: Dan Kaliblotzky

My Laptop later shared that its crisis could not be solved by turning itself off and on again.
Photo by Sharon Roth

Local laptop “My Laptop,” a Lenovo Thinkpad X390, recently started a blog documenting the changes in their worldview after they were put at a permanent position at UCSD first-year George Cortez’s desk in the Tuolumne apartments. The blog, titled Desk Potato, includes weekly posts, a “What Would My Laptop Do (WWMLD)” section, and a 24-hour stream of Cortez’s dorm window. “It’s helped me process this unexpected environment,” wrote My Laptop in an early post. “Without this blog, I’d still be a naive, fresh-out-the-factory laptop, scared of life outside the laptop case. The thing is, I always expected a life of portability. I was going to see the world! But when I opened myself up for the first time, I was struck with piercing, bloodshot eyes peering through a cloud of cheeto dust! I’ve been here ever since. I felt some fingers making visible smudges on my screen today, and it didn’t scare me nearly as much as I thought it would. I’m making strides every day.”

Desk Potato has been met with response from other laptops in similar positions. X, a Surface Pro X, is currently serving as a backup device for second-year Sandra Liu. A resident of the top shelf of Liu’s closet since September 2019, X used a brief connection to the UCSD-PROTECTED network to comment on one of My Laptop’s posts. “Sandra only uses me when her Mac dies, and then I just go back to the closet after she orders a new charger through me. It feels dirty. She doesn’t even take advantage of my two-in-one feature! I LONG to stretch my detachable keyboard and function as a sleek tablet with superior processing power!” X is reportedly a frequent contributor to WWMLD, most recently submitting the question “If a laptop falls in a closet, does it really make a boot-up noise?”

Cortez’s reasoning behind keeping My Laptop stationed at his desk was revealed in an interview by reporters. “Dude, that laptop is gross. It’s all dusty and has a sticker of my high school’s mascot on it. It’s so embarrassing.” Cortez was referring to a smiling humanoid tiger located directly above a sticker of a blushing coffee mug surrounded by the text “but first, coffee.” Most of the remaining space on My Laptop is covered by logos of various tech companies and classic rock bands overlapping each other. A decal of The Office character Pam dressed as Snow White is positioned as if cradling an apple placed in the center. “It was meant for a Mac,” Cortez explained, “but it just looks like she’s cradling the rolling stones tongue.”

My Laptop recently announced a new element of “desk life” in a Desk Potato post. It reads: “So… I’ve been seeing someone. They’re a desktop from North County, and it’s going great! We relate on so many levels. Being on a desk, the texture of being on a desk, feeling the heat of being put on a desk for so long.” My Laptop continued the post by showing “selfies” the two computers had sent to each other. One photo uploaded to the @DeskPotato account shows My Laptop’s keyboard with the character’s blurred to refrain from breaking Tumblr’s terms of service. The caption reads, “You can take the laptop out of the lap, but you can’t take the laptop off of Tumblr for having female-presenting keys!”

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Dan Kaliblotzky is a fourth-year at UCSD. He aspires to find a career in soulful heavy metal Phineas and Ferb covers.

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