Photo by: Stephen Lightfoot
A UCSD student successfully found parking two days in a row at Hopkins Parking Structure. The student, who wished to remain anonymous because of fears that their permit would be revoked, detailed how they managed to achieve such a feat. “I’m just amazed that it worked despite such little planning,” said the student, “only five months.”
To orchestrate their endeavor, they placed motion sensors on every parking spot in Hopkins Parking Structure and enlisted a Data Science major to find the optimal time to park. “I figured that if I collect enough data, I could achieve big data, making anything possible,” the student explained. After collecting the information, the student deployed an army of raccoons to swarm a spot before they arrived on campus, ensuring a spot for them. “Sadly, the parking police caught onto my strategy on day three and distracted my raccoon army with sandwiches from Foodworx.”
Studies conducted by the UCSD Department of Transportation have found that most students at UC San Diego do not park on campus. “I usually try to park at Gliderport, but it’s impossible to find parking there,” 21-year-old Lyndsey Yang reported. “Other days I just leave it in a 20 minute loading zone and just hope.” Some students, in frustration at the absence of campus parking, have been taking to parking their cars in the middle of Library Walk and setting them up as booths to peddle flyers.
The anonymous student’s feat has drawn attention from Chancellor Pradeep Khosla, who praised the student’s ingenuity. “UCSD students have long complained about the difficulties about finding parking on campus, but this student’s use of engineering shows the core strengths of UC San Diego.” To “encourage more engineering feats,” Khosla ordered that the spots the student used to park to be converted to A-spots.
The anonymous student has expressed their excitement for the Winter Career Fair, juvenated by their success in sequential parking. “I think I’ll finally have a shot at getting a job after I graduate,” the student said. “I realized life is just like a series of crowded parking lots, and parking in a crowded lot was just the latest crowded lot in my life. If I can manage to park in a UCSD parking spot, of all places, there’s no limit for me in the metaphorical parking lot of my future!” Sources close to the student confirmed that their LinkedIn headline now read “Automobile Storage Expert.”
The anonymous student was unfortunately unable to make it on time to their classes the second day, due to “double-fisting” two burritos from Goody’s in celebration of their feat. Their USP 120 professor stated that the student will not be losing lecture credit, citing the entire ordeal a “great
lesson in urban planning.”
