Local Potter’s Business Booming After Hero Passes Through Town

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Written by: Maria Dhilla

Photo by Maria Dhilla

Several days ago, a local delinquent visited Rarakiro Village in Central Myrule and smashed every single pot in sight. Now, the locals are left to pick up the shards of their broken porcelain and china piece by mottled clay piece. “The smashing of so many of my expertly-crafted vases, jars, and chamber pots hurts me to my core,” said Old Man, the potter who lives on the outskirts of town, “I am immensely thankful to the people of my town who continue to support me and my overpriced crockery.”

According to Oompa, the village leader who was out cleaning up the pottery pieces, this streak of pot-smashing began “only a couple of months ago, when some ambiguously-aged kid in a green tunic showed up and smashed everything. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever heard him talk! He just grunts and yells while destroying private property, almost like he’s the reincarnated soul of a legendary hero or something.”

It seems as though the villagers have gotten used to this occurrence, continuing to buy up Old Man’s entire stock to help support his business each time after the mysterious pot-smasher passes through town. Shrugging, Oompa explained: “Eh, we just deal with it. Our pots are nothing special, they’re just painstakingly handcrafted clay, and besides, it’s not like we keep our valuables in there!”

However, some villagers have claimed that they saw Old Man speaking to the pot-smasher in hushed tones behind his hut. “I was about to buy a replacement chamber pot, when I saw Old Man hiding in the bushes with the pot-smasher, pointing to a detailed overworld map of Rarakiro Village,” said one nameless villager.

After much outrage, Old Man released a statement, claiming that “there has been no collusion between myself and that no good, very bad pot-smasher, who I am certain will not smash our pots for another month or so. In the meantime, buy more of my totally long-lasting, resilient, expensive pottery!”

Last week, a travelling merchant by the name of Needle came forward and claimed that he not only knows the identity of the potsmasher, but also witnessed his illicit exchange with the potter from his viewpoint in the stables. “Yeah, I’ve seen that guy, I’m everywhere! His name is Blink and he’s going to save Princess Imelda and the entirety of Myrule … or my name’s not Needle!” According to Needle, he saw Old Man pay off Blink to smash the pots once a month after the warranty had expired, forcing villagers to purchase new pots, thereby increasing his profit margins.

Upon further testing, it was discovered that Old Man’s pots were not as long-lasting or resilient as he claimed, as they disintegrated if they were merely knocked over. Blink, who had been backflipping all over Myrule, was questioned about his motive for colluding with Old Man. However, he only had the following to say: “Hiya! Huahh! Aaaaah!” It can be concluded that he was in it for the sheer joy of breaking other people’s shit for no good reason.

Graphics Editor at The MQ

M. Q. Dhilla is the embodiment of the newspaper come to life, but that's a secret, so don’t effin’ snitch.

One Reply to “Local Potter’s Business Booming After Hero Passes Through Town”

  1. geoger nintedo says:

    hello this is mr george nintendo king of nintendo and this is not acurate to mario canon. please take this offensive article down before the mario company must press charge

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