zoologists confirmed that the elephant is the animal kingdom’s biggest bitch: here’s their research

Move over, ostrich. After numerous field studies and careful DNA analysis, researchers from the University of Wisconsin, Madison have once and for all determined that the elephant is by far the biggest bitch of all Earth’s animals. While the researchers admit that there may be a “not-yet-discovered” species of animal that is even more of a bitch than the elephant, the evidence is pretty conclusive. Here’s a taste of the researchers’ conclusions:

1. TUSKS
   This one may seem kind of badass on the surface, but once you start to look closely, things fall apart worse than the floor underneath these 12,000-pound freaks-of-nature. While the elephants’ tusks can help fend off predators, they’re absolutely useless if something attacks from behind. Unlike SOME badass animals, like the porcupine or the pufferfish, the elephant only has two instruments with which to stab. It may be better than a narwhal, but even the narwhal wouldn’t be caught dead hanging out with this big ol’ bitch.
   
2. EARS
   They may help with hearing, but just look at the size of them! No self-respecting animal would let their ears get THAT big. Elephants don’t even use the extra real estate for unique piercings. Prime bitch material. They can’t even fly with them unless someone builds them a plane. What’s the damn point?
   
3. TAIL
   This thing has no use besides flinging feces all over the place and offering predators something to hold on to. Even worse, it doesn’t offer the poop flinging precision of a monkey. Out of all the elephant’s body parts, this one is potentially the most useless of them all.
   
4. TRUNK
   The elephant uses the trunk as a sort of trumpet to vocalize. Vocalization sounds pretty cool, but have you ever actually heard an elephant? It’s absolutely awful. If you were to play an elephant sound in a crowded room, everyone would cringe. With those big bitch ears, the elephant has to hear its awful self all the damn time. Ever wonder why nobody wants to address “the elephant in the room”? Take a listen to an elephant and figure that one out for yourself.