Since the dawn of time, and according to some as early as 2007, one question has dazzled, bewildered, and possibly even bedazzled humankind. What is the nature of reality and how can I get through it on a unicycle? Previous implementations of the UNI-CYCLE technology (the name is a combination of the ancient Greek words for “university” and “washing machine,” respectively) were, although elegant and thrilling, largely ignored in favor of more intuitive forms of personal transportation such as the hot air balloon, the pogo stick, and Amazon Prime for Humans.
However, entrepreneur Tad Snead has other ideas. Snead is not what you think of as a typical Silicon Valley CEO, and he will be the first to tell you. “Yeah, it’s pretty unusual,” he says, “There’s really not anyone else like me around here. You see, crazy story actually, I made a website and dropped out of Harvard, got sued by some twins who think I stole their idea, met Justin Timberlake who told me to change the name of the website, and in my arrogance and greed, I lost my closest friend, Andrew Garfield.
“So it’s safe to say I have a pretty unique story, but now I want to really make a difference by finally fixing the unicycle. You see, two-wheeled unicycles have been around for years, but the technology was prohibitively expensive and confusing to the average person. But now, we’re on the verge of a breakthrough. Now, you can fit more two-wheeled unicycles in your pocket than were used during the Apollo missions. It’s amazing how technology progresses.
“Think about history and how many important people have used the unicycle: Joan of Arc, Albert Einstein, Kobe. What I want to do is allow anyone to feel the power of the unicycle, and that’s what I set out to do with my new design.”
Snead unveiled his new unicycle, which he calls “Unicycle: Wheeloaded” at a recent press conference. As the cover came off the new two-wheeled unicycle, a thunderstorm of flashbulbs erupted, the background chatter swelled to a wail of excited shrieks, flowers bloomed spontaneously, and I gained the ability to see in five dimensions. Snead looked into the distance and said, “I am become death, the destroyer of worlds.”
And let me tell you, with this new unicycle, the future looks pretty bright. It is expected to be released anytime between Fall 2019 and Christmas of some other year, for a price generated randomly upon purchase.