Following a recent study, scientists claim to have discovered the reason why men always seem to take credit for women’s work: “‘Cause we can, duh.”
“It’s really not surprising, but men take credit for women’s work because it’s almost too simple,” says Matthew Franken, head of the research team that conducted the study. “We already know that men tend to be more assertive go-getters than women. Usually, when women do something cool, they just aren’t quick enough to claim it. And seriously, no one ever seems to call it out, so nothing’s stopping researchers from doing whatever they want. I mean, when you get down to the science of it, women are just kinda dumb.”
Historically, many scientific inventions and discoveries have been made by women, but they have ultimately been accredited to men. Traditionally, this has been due to male superiors acting as though they own the ideas of their subordinates, or through scientists simply stealing each other’s work and not crediting them. However, these new studies suggest that female scientists are to blame for their work being stolen, due to a “lack of initiative, assertion, and speed to file a copyright.”
“Look, I’m not trying to be offensive here, but science never lies,” continues Franken. “If you discover something and you don’t immediately publish it, then who can really say it’s wrong for someone like me to publish it under my name instead? I, for one, can’t tell you how many times I’ve been struggling in my research when an unclaimed idea has basically fallen into my lap. I don’t think I’d even be doing this work had it not been for all the amazing opportunities I’ve been ‘building on’ — thanks, ladies!”
Since its publication, the study is gaining a cult-like following, mostly from men, as a result of its “tell it like it is” results. However, due to its controversial findings, the study and its proponents garner their fair share of harsh critiques.
“I, for one, support this ‘survival of the fittest’ mentality when it comes to credit,” says Caleb Hess, a researcher at NIH. “I mean, if you didn’t want me publishing ‘your work,’ I guess you should’ve patented it before it rightfully became my work. It’s really not my fault I’m smarter and faster than you.”
“You get why that doesn’t make sense, right?” adds Sarah Calloway, another researcher at NIH and head of the institution’s Ethical Science Committee. “Stealing our ideas doesn’t make you smart; if you were really smart, you would’ve come up with your own. This just makes you an asshole … Wait, are you stealing my ideas, Caleb?” The Hess findings on unfair hiring practices against female professors is to be released within the month.