Brett Davis, Arts and Crafts Major; University of Phoenix

If you had told me nine months ago that I would be in the Tanzanian plains training monkeys on the art of wielding fire, I would have called you insane. Yet, there I was in the fields, experimenting with the limits of monkey-fire interactions and elevating our understanding of raw art and the exquisiteness of the uncontrollable. Packing up for home, I decided I couldn’t leave those little beauties behind to go into some zoo — they were family. So I put them all in their cages and brought them home with me.

Everything was fine until we reached the security checkpoint and the guards asked me to remove my countless training molotov cocktails, three-ounce cans of kerosene, and my flare gun. My little angels were riling up in response to the hostile guards, and once I was forced to lay these “dangerous” items on the table, all hell broke loose.

There is a certain beauty and elegance of total chaos. Was I not in the blast range of multiple flammable devices, I would have probably considered it my greatest work of art. My capuchin Napalm, a real sweetheart, grabbed hold of the flare gun and fired it into the wall of uniforms, reloading the flares with unparalleled efficiency. My twin pygmy marmosets, Crash and Burn, used this distraction to display their favorite routine — The Floor Is Lava — by throwing bottles of 180-proof alcohol onto the floor. Enamored by their performance, I was caught in a daze until I found myself engulfed by the flames of my little artists. At this point, I found security brutally retaliating against my harmless babies with their fists.

I now realize my mistake of trusting airport security with my peaceful babies, and I am preparing to sue the Julius Nyerere International Airport for animal abuse and property damage. My poor mandrill, Flare, was kicked in the nuts when he tried to smash two molotovs into a group of security officers. Even my proboscis monkey, Schnozz, who wasn’t doing anything, got punched in the nose. I do understand why Schnozz would be considered a threat; that dangling nose would make anyone look suspicious. I’m just so shocked that airports are still allowed to prevent average folks like me from carrying flammable objects onto a plane. Hopefully, we’ll progress as a society and allow anyone with a flame-wielding primate board an aircraft without any trouble.