November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II

ArticlesEditorialOpinion

Why Does This College Named After Me Have so Little Plant Life?

Written by: Pilan Scruggs

By John Muir
Famous Environmentalist

It used to be an honor to be attached to a UCSD college. In the ghost world, I secured loads of connections just by pointing that out, but nowadays it’s just become a pipeline of mockery. I didn’t understand why, until I visited the other day, but now everything is crystal clear.

This thing that you call “John Muir College” is a pathetic excuse of a way to honor me and my beliefs. Living humans can still tell colors apart, right? Most of you, anyways. What’s with all the gray? And next to no green. Except on those ridiculous shirts you wear. You think a single layer of 100 percent cotton will protect you from Yosemite’s unforgiving winter? Amateurish displays like that don’t deserve to bear my name.

I apologize. I’m forgetting my manners. You’re supposed to say thank you when someone does something for you. Well, thank you. Despite how I’ve just lashed out, I genuinely do appreciate the motion. At least I am still the coolest out of all the people this university chose for its colleges’ names. Ask any ghost what Mr. Earl Warren did this past Halloween, and you’ll understand. Pathetic excuse for a haunter, and he’s hardly better than that Mr. Sixth or whoever.

But I digress. Look, I appreciate the motion, but you morons made it look like an industrial dump. Concrete towers everywhere. This illogical walkway design that does nothing except murder those freaks on those boards with wheels. And what’s with that blasted construction over there? They would have been better off naming this after Andrew Carnegie. I guess that’s why he just went ahead and built his own university, then told me to do the same.

Yes, it’s a personal thing. I know you never knew me, but at least try to empathize with me. It’s embarrassing to go anywhere now. I get ridiculed at all the bars I used to love frequenting. “Look, there’s the industrial environmentalist!” Stuff like that makes me so angry. Can you understand how that feels? Some of you have been to bars, right? Or do you just spend your free time in that glass mountain over there pretending to study?

I’m not really that angry. It’s more a feeling of frustration than anything. All I wanted in my lifetime was for people to realize the beauty in America’s wildernesses and to make sure people realized how important it was to protect it. I thought the early 1900s were a mess, but I never could have foreseen the environmental turmoil you humans have instigated. I’d think you guys would at least try to be less complacent, but I guess you would all prefer to hopelessly try to salvage your GPAs than even attempt to save the planet, wouldn’t you?

Try adding some color, okay? Fine, there are some trees, and I saw a garden or two. It’s a good start, but seems too much like a token effort. Until then, I’ll be enjoying myself in my national monument. It’s much more peaceful there. You all ought to visit sometime. It may even give you some inspiration. Just do something meaningful with those brains of yours. Surely you can use them for something other than endlessly memorizing and forgetting information.

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