POINT: The Waiting Room Chairs in Dr. Schimmel’s Cosmetic Orthodontics Are Geometrically Unfeasible

Listen, I love me some Bauhaus inspired Blobitecture seating arrangements as much as the next guy, but Dr. Schimmel, Hershel, my burgeoning blossoming dentist, you’ve gone too far this time.

Just last week that poor man from Hoboken took the 78 all the way out here for an implant and what do you do? Oh, what did you do to him my sweet overanxious Schimm-schamm? It wasn’t enough that you administered the anesthetic as if it were a smoking cocktail, but then to seat him that Klein-bottle-but-if-it-was-a-sippy-cup chair? Hershelleh, we love you and support you every day, but notch it down a peg.

Or what about that Slip-n-Slide chair, huh Hersh, you wretched, misguided soul? Oh, if Gram-Gram were around to see that one. All the lady wanted was a quote for her daughter’s braces. She slipped out of that chair and slid straight into the emergency room.

Not everything has to be themed or unconformable, darling. So what if you end up like Papa Schimmel? His dental practice was successful, and he brought great dignity to that little Hungarian village.

It might be boring. There won’t be “SPACED OUT!” brand dentures or DIY root canals or late night disco apicoectomies, but it’ll be an honest living.

Hershey, Schimmel baby, come in from the cold dear, I’ve put the kettle on.

COUNTERPOINT: Business at Dr. Schimmel’s Chiropractic Institute for the Spinally Misshapen has Never Been Better!

Oh, we’ve hit the big time now, Doctah! These buffoons don’t know what hit them. They come in for a set of braces, one sit on that mobius strip of a couch and BLAM-O, they’re coming in for a set of back braces. I mean you have truly cracked it. I can see it now — “The Heroes of Modern Day Horizontal Integration. Heinz, Sysco, Schimmel.”

Oh Doc, you balding paragon, you business prince. Your big, beautiful scalp had no use for hair. And don’t worry about her too much, we’re not gonna need Sheri and the kids where we’re going. It’s penthouses from here on! Ooh, I could kiss you right on the skin yarmulke.

Just a couple things before we go all-in on this smooth operation. Concerning the dentist office, it’s phase A of the whole shebang, but does it need to be themed?

What? Oh no definitely, I’d love to have my teeth cleaned in outer space, who wouldn’t? All I’m saying is it’s definitely turning away some customers. I swear it’s not me, but others. What? Of course I’m recommending it to my friends, ask anybody.

It’s just that I can see you skimming a little off the chiropractic practice every week to sustain that blacklight effect you have there.

We’re so close Schimmel, we almost have it. Let’s just focus on the bare bones of the scam.

Don’t say that. I am nothing like your father.