Last Thursday, Vice President Mike Pence finalized his name change from Mike Pence to Mike 1.24 Cents. When asked about the change, 1.24 Cents replied, “It’s my duty to make Americans proud of their country. How can I do that when my name is vaguely British sounding? Now, according to the exchange rate, it’s much more American. Here in America, we speak English, not British.”
This name change was intended to raise awareness about and publicize the vice president’s new program, Redefining America and Containing Immigration through Sketchy Methods (RACISM). “It’s a bit like the USA PATRIOT Act,” noted 1.24 Cents, “except that we’re obstructing immigration instead of terrorism. To be honest, the main thing that they have in common is a forced acronym.”
A new plan proposed by RACISM has the potential to revolutionize immigration processes by introducing a color schematic that when compared to an individual’s skin color will quickly and efficiently determine a person’s eligibility to enter the country. Advocates of the plan claim that this would cut airport waiting times for those planning to enter the country by at least 57 percent, allowing for more efficient air travel. However, RACISM has come with its fair share of controversy.
Juan Garcia, an activist against RACISM, claimed that “people of all backgrounds should have equal ability to enter the US, and quite frankly it’s incredibly insulting that a government program is telling me and people like me that we shouldn’t be eligible to enter a country we already live in.”
“Our very extensive research has determined that just five shades of skin color represent the ideal American values that inspire patriotism,” 1.24 Cents responded. “They’re white, off-white, eggshell white, tan, and orange. There are probably other colors that are valuable, like maybe ivory, but we just don’t currently have the science to understand them. Besides, as a Gemini, I am two times the person you are, so my opinion is more important than yours anyways.”
Protests against RACISM have escalated after the vice president’s response. Students at UC Berkeley have already burned down their campus twice, leading to an offshoot movement to change the school’s mascot to Smokey the Bear in an effort to prevent future fires.
Meanwhile, in 1.24 Cents’ home state of Indiana, a firework could be heard erupting as mass celebrations caused chaos on the streets.
“We’re just glad that something interesting is happening here,” said Alb Feher, a former neighbor of the vice president. “Usually all I can hear is my neighbor screaming when he gets a papercut from counting his money.” The neighborhood has organized a day of recognition in which each person will hire a painter to repaint their house white, which 1.24 Cents had assigned as “the most important color in the American flag.”
Currently, the vice president has plans to change his name monthly to “accurately reflect the exchange rate of British to American currency” in order to stay true to his given name, Pence. 1.24 Cents has tried to get his family to change their names as well, but they have refused.
“It’s stupid,” says his wife Karen Pence. “I will not have my children made fun of for a publicity stunt.” However, 1.24 Cents has announced that if 100,000 people sign an online petition in support of RACISM, or if RACISM gets 500,000 Likes on Facebook, then his family will change their names. Until then, 1.24 Cents hopes to adopt a child in an effort to continue the 1.24 Cents lineage, because “patriotism never dies. As long as it’s white.”
Written by: Jessica Ma and Daniel Kupor
