Donald Trump was reportedly “on edge” from recent connections drawn between his administration and Russia, an unprecedented move which led to Trump using his Phone-a-Friend option. This marks a record low amount of time between inauguration and a U.S. president using the Phone-a-Friend option. Trump shattered the long-held record of 116 days set by William Howard Taft, who accidently used the option in 1904 after attempting to eat a telephone.
As per the rules of the Phone-a-Friend option, the friend in question is allowed absolute anonymity. When found in a parking lot attempting to sell information for immunity, White House aides described the friend’s voice as “slightly drunk with lots of slurring,” “yelling something about a five year plan,” and “like they didn’t believe that democracy was a sustainable form of government.”
Sean Spicer commented on the phone call at a press briefing.
“Donal’d ne moshennik,” Spicer coughed, “Woah, don’t know where that came from. Anyways, as I was saying, the president initially used the call to prevent any potential wiretapping from previous U.S. presidents. Jimmy Carter may seem nonthreatening from his public persona, but behind closed doors, that man is an espionage mastermind. Peanut farmers are very good at hiding things in small places.”
On why Trump used the Phone-a-Friend option so early, Spicer explained, “The president sees the use of the [Phone-a-Friend] option as a sign of power. Now nothing can hold him back. He can finally rule with a red fist without all the iron tape.”
When Spicer was questioned about the alleged ties between Trump’s administration and Russian officials, Spicer slowly slid on shutter shades and pressed a hidden button under his podium. Confetti proceeded to explode from the walls and a handwritten banner burst from the ceiling, reading: “Fake News is Abuse.” Spicer then attempted to do a moonwalk and sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” until the news media was thoroughly weirded out and awkwardly walked out.
Experts watching Trump’s short time in office were confused by his use of the Phone-a-Friend option. Senior Presidential Strategy Expert Sarah Voasary noted, “Historically, presidents save the Phone-a-Friend option for a harder question. Using it now is a waste. Either Trump is an idiot, or he isn’t planning on making it to the end of the game.
“He should have at least bought a vowel first just to feel out the situation” continued Voasary. “Being our first reality show president, you think Trump would be better at this.”
This is not the first time Trump’s tactics have come into question. During his campaign, Trump was accused of having too many “Reveal Your Opponent’s Hand” cards.
News media alleged that the only way to get that many cards was help from external sources. Russian government officials who were asked about their involvement in Trump’s alleged cheating scandal all pleaded the fifth. Trump’s administration has kept quiet on the subject, as not only would these allegations be terms for impeachment, but those involved would be subject to the cruel and unusual punishment of having to set up Mousetrap next time someone wants to play.