Lana Del Rey Revealed to be “Witch Queen” after Casting Binding Spell on Trump


Written by: The MQ

Alicia Keys reportedly sued later, after someone in the crowd shouted, “This girl is on fire! No really, should we help her?”
Photo by: Connor Gorry

Grammy-nominated pop singer Lana Del Rey, after participating in the world wide witches’ binding spell against President Donald Trump, has revealed her True Form as the omnipotent and insidious ‘Witch Queen.’

Witches all over the world reportedly cast a binding spell on Donald Trump and his cabinet during the waning crescent moon, in order to prevent them from further harming anybody. Lana Del Rey announced her participation in the binding spell event on February 23th via Twitter, stating, “At the stroke of midnight Feb 24, March 26, April 24, May 23. Ingredients can be found online.” Later that night she then tweeted further saying, “For clarification, the recipe for the ingredients can be found on page 457 of ‘Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.’”

After the evening of February 24, Lana Del Rey allegedly claimed that she “felt the swell of all witches who attended the spell,” and that she could “feel the change starting already.” That night having already been scheduled for a performance, Del Rey continued with the binding spell by first replacing all the smoke machines with cedar smoke to cleanse the stage. She then emanated an oscillating purple light from her left hand while singing “Video Games” and proceeded to duplicate herself into five different forms to become her own backup dancers.

When questioned on the technique of her surprising performance, Del Rey claimed that during her tour, her nighttime performances allowed her to absorb the ‘”Lunar Del Rays.”

“My power awakened with all the witches who came together during the waning crescent moon,” Del Rey reported. She then addressed anybody who may want to become a witch as well saying, “If you wanna be my little baby, you can meet me in the pale moonlight.”

In another press conference, Del Rey announced that she plans to gather her “Lunar Del Rays” during the next waning crescent on March 26, and transform them into‘”Lucid Del Rays” to transport Donald Trump’s outgoing energy to the moon.

“I believe that magic is a real, powerful force that can be used for peace and protecting others,” Del Rey explained as she drew an alchemical summoning circle on the ground while consistently throwing salt at reporters. When questioned why she did so, Del Rey responded, “What? What salt? I don’t have 22 ounces of salt shoved into my pockets,” and then muttered, “Ego Latine loqui non actu Latine.”

Fans have come to a consensus that Del Rey will eventually swell in magical power to become the “Lucid Del Rays” that she spoke of initiating.

“We have to keep casting binding spells on the waning crescent moon in order to increase her power,” reported local fan Neil McSimone. “Lana Del Rey will save us all. Like she always said, ‘Not even they can stop me now. Boy, I be flying overhead. Their heavy words can’t bring me down — boy, I’ve been raised from the dead.’”

At Del Rey’s last recent press conference she reported that she does not, in fact, plan to become the “Lucid Del Reys” and ascend to the moon. “That is simply a fan theory,” she asserted, as she floated sideways across the stage crossed-legged and disappeared through a wall.

Del Rey’s agent Jaime Relday then announced that Del Rey will not be attending further press conferences until after March 26.

“Lana is not here,” repeated Relday slowly, as his form slowly became translucent to the crowd. “At least, not in spring. She may or may not have something in store for summertime … summertime … sadness … ”

Written by: Lauren Kirkbride, Design Editor

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