In the past week, a news leak from the White House has shown that the Trump administration reportedly attempted to bring in Frederick Douglass to speak at a Black History Month event, but has been unable to reach the orator. San Diego residents surmise that although Douglass has done what the president called an “amazing job,” his “being recognized more and more” may be the root of the issue.

“Yeah, ole’ Frederick thinks he’s so great now,” local fish peeler Thomas
McMcCormick explained, “all ‘more and more’ like Mr. Spicer says, and such, too damn good for us, huh? Won’t even show up when called by the president. Liberal elitism, I tell ya. What makes him so ‘amazing’ anyhow? I got a nephew who can juggle nickels and eat paper at the same time. Beat that, Douglass.”

President Trump has left the search for Douglass to his assistants, because he feels that all his resources were exhausted when he received a negative response after asking Dr. Ben Carson if he happened to personally know or have any direct connections to Douglass.

An anonymous White House staffer confided to reporters that Kellyanne Conway was “borderline tearing her hair out, absolutely befuddled” over this slight. The anonymous staffer also claimed that Conway got a lead on a possible Douglass sighting in Rochester, New York, but could only find what the staffer described as a “flat, vertically propped up stone with unnaturally rounded edges and funny markings. It was surrounded by other, similar stones.” No actual evidence of Douglass was unearthed.

Some others felt Douglass’ disappearance may have more to it than meets the eye. Mike Thomas, local fourth grade student, remarked, “Uhhh … I’m pretty sure he’s dead. Like, dead since 1895 dead.”

Anonymous sources reported, however, that the Trump administration found suitable replacements for Douglass. These replacements go by the names of Paris, whom President Trump assures is “worth at least seven people,” and Darrell, who, while not worth seven people, is probably worth at least a couple.

San Diego teacher Louise Smith, however, told reporters that she does not feel that Darrell and Paris are adequate replacements.

“I just feel that Mr. Douglass would have been worth at least 11 people, which puts him way ahead of Darrell and Paris together,” Smith remarked. “Also, do we ever get to know who Darrell and Paris are? Even just a last name or something that we can Google?”

Most attendees of Black History Month events held at the White House agreed that Douglass “didn’t miss too much” and found it “totally understandable” that he refrained from attending.

“I went, I was right up front,” attendee Rick Adams recounted. “And, let me tell you, it would not have been good enough for a rising star like Douglass. It was mostly just President Trump saying that he got ‘306 electoral votes’ again and again, and then he would kind of gesture to the MLK Jr. bust every hour or so — actually I’m not sure if that’s what he was doing. It was pretty hard to see his hands.”

The same source reported that Trump aides are “tripping over themselves” to entice Douglass into attending next year, despite his heightening profile. The first plan of action, an aide revealed, is to make a bust of Douglass himself. The White House has “some good ones” and feel that Douglass could take his rightful place among them, specifically the place of either Winston Churchill or Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. in a prized oval office spot.

One Trump aide confided, “It’s probably going to be Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.”

Written by: Frances Debrunner, Staff Writer