November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II


Circus Fans Disappointed that Mother Teresa’s Canonization Means Something Else

Written by: The MQ

While she has not been launched out of a cannon, the newly-sainted Mother Teresa can perform some truly miraculous flips.
Photo by: Katherine Wood

Patrons of Ringding Brothers Circus Co. felt disillusioned this week when they realized they would not be seeing their favorite Catholic nun, Mother Teresa, catapulting through the air later this year; in actuality, she has become a saint of the Catholic Church.

“I got really excited, you know? Like, I made a poster and everything. Total bummer, man,” said Brad Darling, an avid circus-goer. “This is worse than the time the exterminator told me my house was gonna be tented, and I even rented a ringmaster’s outfit for that.”

“Yeah, this sucks,” added Darling’s friend Keith Tugg. “What a letdown for the community. Like, congrats to her and everything, but man…” Tugg’s voice then faded into a series of indistinguishable whimpers. Circus researcher and amateur tightrope walker Noah Nette provided some expert analysis on the issue.

“What we’re seeing here is a classic example of circus marginalization,” said Nette. “Once again, nobody wants to hear our voice on the issues. It’s like they expect us all to be mimes.”

“It’s so frustrating,” said lion tamer Tanner Felis. “I feel like we have to jump through hoops to get the circus community nationally recognized. It’s demeaning.”

“This makes the circus community look like a bunch of clowns,” complained professional jester Chester Blatts. “And lately, that is not a good thing!” Blatt’s comment refers to the recent “killer clown” scares occurring across the country, bringing circuses to the forefront of American culture for the first time in a while.

“People don’t want to go to the circus anymore,” Blatts continued. “It’s like the whips, rings of fire, and middle-aged men in full-face makeup have lost their charm. It’s sad,” he concluded.

“The whole situation stinks, but I’m not gonna bend over backward to change and appease people. I’m above that,” stated acrobat Brenda Dover. “I just feel bad for the children who will never get to experience the feeling of being excited but also scared and grossed out at the same time. That’s what the circus is all about.”

When asked for his thoughts on the state of the circus industry and what could help improve their image, the Elephant Man said, “You, know, we’re just such a friendly, inclusive environment, it hurts to see people afraid of coming to see us. We really could’ve used the shot of vitality and energy that Mother Teresa is known for.”

When asked for a comment, sociologist Dr. Nom Chumsky provided the following statement:

“I refuse to believe anyone would confuse canonization with being shot from a cannon. They’re not even spelled the same.”

In an opposing statement, Stampy the Elephant loudly trumpeted.

Written by: Daniel Melnick, staff writer

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