“Time, just like the law, is fluid,” said Trump.
Photo by Janice Kim
In a press conference Thursday night, President Donald Trump announced he was no longer considering a third term, as he had found a way to prolong his second term. “While a third term in office would be a tremendous gift to the American people and would secure our place as the greatest country in the world, all these whiny liberals keep complaining that it’s unconstitutional,” said Trump. “Sadly the woke judges in the Supreme Court won’t let me help you, America, but don’t worry, thanks to the brilliant American minds at the Space Force — which I created by the way — we have found a way around this problem.” Trump explained his plan, which relies on a physics con- cept first introduced by Albert Einstein: special relativity. One consequence of special relativity is that time moves differently for people moving at different speeds, especially the closer one gets to the speed of light. This scientific fact is the basis of the president’s plan to remain in office. “Folks, it’s really simple. Every American citizen has the right to vote in every election, especially the important ones, like the one that decides who is the president,” said Trump. “I have directed the Space Force to fire a brave volunteer into space, and he will be traveling fast, like super duper fast, so fast he makes race cars look slow. The scientists say that the rocketship will be traveling at 99.9% of c — can’t believe they use letters to say how fast things are going when there are perfectly good units like American miles per hour. What this mathematical nonsense, that frankly nobody really understands, means is that for this brave American patriot, the great Corporal Rhys Legsails, it will take 100 space-years [sic] for this brave American to experience four years of Earth time, and because I refuse to take away his right to experience what the American people voted for, I cannot leave office until the four years of my term are over for every American citizen.”
This plan was met with heavy opposition from Democrats. “What President Trump is trying to do is insane,” said Senator Cory Booker. “He’s basically becoming a dictator, and Corporal Legsails is being sent to his death. It’s inhumane. Going that close to the speed of light is impossible; how do we even know that they will reach that speed or even be alive?” Booker continued, “The idea that one per- son can hold up an election is laughable. If you are going to use science to legitimize your reign of terror, I expect you to be able to do the basic math. For example, 346,922,235 Americans are much greater than one.”
President Trump responded to many of these complaints Monday morning. “America has always been about individual’s rights. For example, the right to protest, the right to free speech, my right to kick anyone I don’t like out of the country. These rights are important, and it disgusts me to hear that people are trying to take advantage of an American hero. As for the allegations that Corporal Legsails won’t be going that fast, who’s the science denier now? I’ll make this simple enough for all of you dum-dems to understand. For years, NASA has been wasting taxpayer money with slow, round-tipped rockets. When I heard about this, my superior intellect kicked in and I suggested the simple solution that has allowed us to reach 99.9% of c easily in several simulations carried out in Elon’s head. All I had to say was make the rockets pointier, and poof, problem solved.”
