“At least we still have Manifest Destiny,” said Hare.
Photo by Jordan Whitlow
Leaked internal Immigrations and Customs Enforcement (ICE) communications revealed that last week, officers located the last remnant of the American Dream hiding in Indio, California, where they tracked and bugged it for 72 hours before finally detaining it. From there, it was held in Eagle Pass Detention Facility for “some time” before being shipped to South America. Arresting officer Mariano Zardoya, commented on the “pimpin’” experience. “That was the dankest thing I’ve ever done. The adrenaline rush I got as I threw the flash bang into the dishwashing room and got the perp up against the wall, Dirty Harry style, was just like simulations they’d put us through in Quantico. It’s even more baller than when I copped a feel on Lust during a ‘stop-and-frisk’ as a beat cop.”
Days later, White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt announced the successful deportation of the American Dream. “We are proud to report that as part of our RISE project — Really Insistent on Sending back Emigrants — we have deported the American Dream; this was really what the PATRIOT Act was made for.” Leavitt added, “The Democrats are all going to cry a Rio Grande about it, but we real patriots know that this is how we make America great again!”
“Y’know it’s been a long time coming. We’ve done everything to it, from segregating it to interning it, I’m surprised it stayed here long enough for us to catch it. Hell, if I knew it was going to last this long I would have bilked it more and gotten me three white picket fenced houses with accompanying stay-at-home wives,” said American history enthusiast David McCullough with a longing look on his face. “I think the replacement will serve me real good. Hopefully it doesn’t give those Norman fucking Rockwell types any new material.”
In a poll conducted by the Pew Research Center, 43% of Americans reported they were indifferent to the American Dream and 68% of 18 to 26-year-olds reported believing it had been deported during the Clinton administration. In a poll conducted among congressional leaders, 86% believed it was just a campaign slogan. “I thought that my district just really liked sleeping,” said Danny K. Davis (D-Illinois).
71-year-old Roger Hare came forward as the last citizen to have had contact with the American Dream. “I should have known that damn dream was a foreigner. It always had a bit of twang in its accent and seemed real insistent on everybody being able to succeed. Castro had the same basic idea and we gave him the ol’ ‘exploding cigar’, so I think this American Dream fella got off quite lucky. It’s great that Trump got to him before he started infesting the youths. They’re already unwilling to put in the work with their bootstrap-less footwear.”
The White House predicted that the deportation would be “a step in the right direction” of curbing inflation and avoiding an economic downturn, but according to early analyst reports, the
largest effect of the operation has been confusion among high school students writing essays on Death of a Salesman. This has not deterred the White House, which has already hinted at an upcoming deportation of Privacy.
As of now, the ACLU has stated they have “no plans” to challenge the deportations. Citing lack of budget and interest, President Jumpy Clementine released a statement of “purely vocal” support for the American Dream. “Of course, we at the ACLU are huge supporters of the American Dream,” said Clementine. “But how are little ol’ we supposed to do anything when this whole dang deportation thing is so complicated? That’s why we’re sending our best thoughts and prayers.”
