The animal kingdom is full of natural wonders, but the natural wonder that makes the least amount of sense is how fish and birds — and even snakes — have better teeth than me. That’s right: snakes! Sure, I don’t visit the dentist. Maybe I’ve never had braces. So what if I can’t remember the last time I flossed? I’m enraged that these lowly species — these animals that we humans EAT — have teeth that make my mouth look like a corn cob that’s been chewed down to nine or so yellow, deflated kernels. Here are the following animals whose perfect pearly whites really piss me off:
Big Armadillo
Do you know how many teeth these giant rat bastards have? A hundred. Do you know how many teeth I have? 15 … 20 if you count the half-teeth. You would think that an armadillo has no need for teeth, since it can just use its outer crust to mash its food before it eats it. Do you know how I mash my food? With my fists — since my teeth aren’t as strong as my fists.
Elephant
This one pisses me off the most. Elephants may only have two teeth, but they are expensive teeth. One elephant tooth can sell on the black market for $1,500. Do you have any idea how much my teeth are worth? The most I’ve gotten for a tooth was 75 cents, and that was a golden one I inherited from my grandfather! The point is, I should have the pretty, plentiful, and expensive teeth. Not these animals.
Snail
What kind of evolutionary process had to take place to give a snail better teeth than me? I’m a human being. I need teeth to chew meat, make love, and intimidate other humans. Snails don’t do anything but crawl around and chew through my begonias. I’m sure they could still eat my begonias without teeth — which, by the way, look like they just hopped out of Zac Efron’s mouth. I need those Efron teeth. Not them. ME.
Written and Illustrated by Sage Cristal
Sage Cristal is the woman of your dreams. She sings, she dances, and has a WWE Championship Replica Title Belt. She is currently training to be the next American Ninja Warrior.
