2019 has seen both a reunion of The Jonas Brothers, with the release of their singles “Sucker” and “Cool,” and a tease regarding a potential reboot of beloved Disney Channel series “Hannah Montana.” Sure, these are great, but what’s the point of reviving something that died this decade? It’s time to bring back something that the United States stamped out over 40 years ago. That’s right, in 2019, we’re bringing back polio.
Now, people might hear “polio” and think of the devastating infection (which can lead to paralysis and respiratory failure) that affects hundreds of thousands of individuals today in areas that do not have access to vaccines. These same people might label me as an “anti-vaxxer” and implore as to why I would want to bring such a debilitating and preventable disease back. I would remind these individuals that I’m not against vaccines, I’m just pro-polio. Besides, polio is just so vintage, and vintage tech is so in right now. Following in the legacy of vinyl record players and old-fashioned coffee percolators, polio is the next piece of the past to be revamped. I understand why people may feel hesitant to embrace this piece of history, yet I ask these individuals to consider the children. Yes, our precious youth deserve all the opportunities in the world; why should we deprive them of the opportunity to contract polio?
Also, we shouldn’t forget how popular polio was in its heyday. I mean, all the cool kids had it. In fact, infants and young children were at the greatest risk of contracting the infection. But polio was never just for the kids, the adults certainly got a healthy serving of the ol’ poliomyelitis soup. And what a great time it was when the polio incidence rate was high in the United States. Oh, I wish I could go back. I can’t imagine anything bad happening in the 1940s.
I now turn to the wise words of President John F. Kennedy: “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what [polio] can do for your country.” See, polio is spread through fecal-oral contact, meaning transmission occurs mostly from poor hygiene and contaminated food. Moreover, I believe that the American people, in this divisive political climate, could really benefit from that type of encounter. What a better way to settle our differences than over a few ice-cold glasses of polio-ridden drinking water. Polio can bring our nation together.
I understand the hubbub, pitter-patter, and general excitement over the sudden comeback of figures from early 2010s Disney Channel. I’ll give it to them; the Jonas Brothers are full of raw, unadulterated talent and Hannah Montana embodies everything great about the golden age of television. However, polio has something that neither the Jonas Brothers nor Hannah Montana could ever have and that’s RNA held in a viral capsid protected by an inner-shell and glycoprotein-covered membrane.
Flattened in a distro cart accident, the MQ replaced his bones with leftover printer ink. With his increased lank, Matt has become a pivotal writer for the MQ through his fluidity. Whether demonstrated through his mastery of satire or being used as a keycard when we lock ourselves out of the office, Matt is a key asset to the writing team.