Gas Prices at Record Lows, Still Higher Than Your GPA


Written by: The MQ

Last Tuesday gas prices finally reached a record low, after dropping steadily for the last few months. Unfortunately for you, however, they still haven’t managed to be equal to or lower than your GPA.

Analysts attribute the trend to several factors, such as American oil companies producing more oil and lower oil prices in general, unlike you, who have been less and less productive since enrolling. They also point towards the lack of major disasters, not including your academic career, that have occurred in recent months, as they can cause delays in oil production. Finally, the record low can be attributed to the season, when restrictions on oil refining loosen, causing prices to drop. Fall, when students return from class after the summer holiday, is a time in which students grades tend to suffer as well, although never quite as severely as yours.

“While this is in no means a permanent trend,” Shell representative Martin Hall said, “we’re proud to be lowering prices for our customers, and only hope we can one day catch up with the pit that is your academic career.”

Experts encourage those planning a long trip to fill up their tanks later this week, when prices are predicted to reach their lowest point, and your counselor strongly encourages you to finally schedule that appointment by Monday, asshole.

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