Photo by: Chelsea Seaandretta
Toupee manufacturer Faux Follicles for Falluses, Inc. formally rescinded its support for prospective GOP candidate Donald Trump in a press conference Friday. Though the company initially backed Trump with monetary support and merchandise, F.F.F. Inc. stated that it will no longer be providing either, despite the candidate’s “F.F.F. Frequent Customer” status, a record spanning over twenty years.
The announcement was made following months of the presidential hopeful making unprecedented gains in the polls. The real estate mogul, known for his dramatic flair, trademarked the phrase, “Make America Great Again” and has applied said trademark to political merchandise including lawn signs, t-shirts and, of particular ire to F.F.F., hats.
F.F.F. Executive President Deandra Jackson explained, “We here at Faux Follicles for Falluses consider the actions of Mr. Trump to be not only foolish, but dangerous. By promoting headgear that hides our product and prevents it from achieving maximum lusciousness, we cannot in good conscience sustain our support.”
In fact, the candidate’s success prompted the company’s decision to cease donations, according to the company.
“Whether being purchased ironically or out of actual support, Trump’s hats have become more popular than his hair, and he’s doing nothing to correct that,” stated FFF Founder Andrew Pindleton, his voice catching. “His actions are dramatically cutting into what could have been a fantastic, however facetious, profit margin for us if people were to buy our toupees in mockery. This is not only a betrayal from one of America’s supposed ‘small business supporters’, but from a faithful patron, nay we say, a friend.”
F.F.F. Inc.’s statement continued by criticizing Trump’s promotional campaign.
“The use of a printed slogan on a piece of clothing has been done to death in countless elections,” Jackson said. “Whereas our premium toupees would make a far more impactful statement. After all, what better way to promote the worry-inducing insinuation that America’s best days are behind it than by attempting to conceal one’s age with a hairpiece that has the consistency of a bleached ferret corpse?”
Jackson went on to clarify that although American audiences may feel concern about America’s near future, “their hopes will certainly rise as they notice, ‘My, how luxurious that corpse is!’”
Despite the company’s remarks, toupee sales have skyrocketed since Trump announced his candidacy back in June. Demand for the most popular color choice, Overzealous Champagne, has consistently outpaced supply in markets across the U.S. However, profits have seen their largest increase south of the border in Mexico, where lines to access hair product stores can often extend for a block or more.
Trump has yet to make an official statement directly addressing Faux Follicles for Falluses’ move, but tweeted Saturday: “Ferret corpse? Hardly. If I wore a toupee – IF I wore one – I would sooner wear bald eagle down. What’s more American?”
Written by: Ryan Maher
