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Student Helps to Fight Drought, Continues to Not Shower

Written by: The MQ

Good grief.
Photo by: Jen Windsor

Local hero Brian Mulligan announced on Facebook last Wednesday that he is giving up his personal hygiene in order to combat the severe drought in California. Mulligan, a first-year in Marshall College, is the first student recorded to have gone to such great lengths in the ever-worsening drought. Classmates of Mulligan have revealed that he has been committed to this act of personal sacrifice “since the beginning of the quarter, at least, and God, is it apparent.”

UCSD Environmental Science professor John Reed said, “I mean, the actual impact of this kid’s ‘efforts’ on the drought will be next to nothing. The problem really isn’t that people take showers.”

But this sentiment was countered by Mulligan’s mother, who declared, “My boy is setting a good example for all the other kids, who should really think about the impact their showers are having on California’s farmers and those hunky naked mud wrestlers. Congress did this, but we can all fight it.”

Many students in Mulligan’s classes venerate his decision, and his CHEM 6A classmates have given him a special spot in lecture with no spots taken in a one-seat radius around him as a symbol of reverence. This is an especially high honor, considering students are sitting in aisles up to the top of the lecture hall even when all seats aren’t filled.

Other students in Mulligan’s classes think his stance is brave, and laud his actions as “okay, I guess” and “innovative, in a really weird kind of way.” One exception seems to be Esther Shin, the girl who was assigned to sit next to him in MATH 20B discussion.

Some student organizations have spoken up in support of Mulligan, like Minimalists of UCSD, whose Vice President, Kevin Hu, said, “I wish I’d thought of it first. This is a fantastic way to declutter the bathroom.” Minimalists of UCSD proposed incorporating in their beige sackcloth shirts to create a new, austere morning care routine. The Student Water Co-Op also asserted their backing of any attempt to challenge the UC’s monopoly on “our precious fluids.”

Mulligan admitted that he’s been hardly showering for years, “truly a teenager ahead of his time.” Henry Mulligan, Brian’s father, said that when Brian hit puberty the smell was “awful,” but now Mr. Mulligan realizes it was all for a good cause.

“You know, it was hard. He had all these ideas that seemed so strange. Not showering, not using deodorant because of the chemicals, just leaving Mittens to rot in the backyard after she died. But I think I’m starting to get it. And we’ve never had such nice tulips.”

The office of the Vice Chancellor of Student Affairs has released a statement that they are looking into designing next year’s “Be a Turn-Off” stickers that have appeared in campus dorm showers, encouraging students to take shorter showers and save water, after Mulligan and his crusade.

Mulligan himself says that not showering also gives him more time. Mulligan has been using the five or 10 minutes a day that he would be spending in the shower to not do his homework, in protest of student debt, and consuming copious amounts of alcohol in support of setting the legal drinking age equal to the draft age.

In an interview, Mulligan said that now he is looking to stop washing his hands, clothes, and dishes because that will help the drought even further. He also says he will look into alternatives to drinking water — such as Red Bull, beer, or protein shakes — to further cut down his water consumption. Mulligan’s roommate commented that the whole thing was “gross,” a term for heroic in his native language.

Written by: Jen Windsor

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