George R.R. Martin Allegedly Killed Off by Own Characters


Written by: The MQ

In comparison to some of the lesser-known fanfiction, Martin would have preferred this anyway.
Photo by: Connor Gorry

George R. R. Martin, considered by some to be the most prolific serial killer in history, was found dead in his home last Sunday with a pigeon pie rammed down his throat. While the literary world mourned Martin’s death, the fictional world rejoiced over the death of what many consider the worst tyrant since Saddam Hussein.

Analysts claim important characters no longer live in fear of being killed off “for shock value.” While this is reassuring for some, others have taken advantage of this opportunity and have gone on rampages. As of this morning, The Mountain had reportedly killed over 9000 men, women, and children and shows no sign of stopping, particularly considering the character was “a piece of unkillable bullshit” even prior to Martin’s death.

This is not the first time something like this has happened. William Shakespeare is rumored to have been killed by one of his own characters, and it is widely agreed on by historians that J.R.R Tolkien was beaten to death with a tiny gold ring. These deaths have left several well-known authors fearful of retribution from their own characters. When interviewed by a reporter, J.K. Rowling cried, “Oh God. Snape, if you are hearing this, please forgive me. I’ll write you a happy ending. So just, please, don’t.”

When Stephanie Meyer, the author of Twilight, was asked what she would do if she was attacked by her own characters, she reportedly ripped her shirt off and shouted, “Well you can come at me!” Suzanne Collins, author of the Hunger Games, has since locked herself within her home and has been unavailable for questioning.

Martin’s death has also pushed the topic of “Fictional Civil Rights” to the forefront of American politics. On one side of the political spectrum are avid fans of Martin, calling for the death of even more fictional characters in retaliation — “excluding Tyrion” — and Donald Trump who has already called for a wall to be built “between America and the fictional world.”

On the other side of the issue are the fictional humanitarians, who view these fictional characters as legitimate citizens who are fighting for their right to live safely and freely. Since the movement began, numerous shelters for battered women have been set up in Westeros, as well as orphanages for the kids from Maze Runner, and a sex education class for the teenagers in Twilight.

Despite all of the political turmoil surrounding his death, Martin’s funeral will still be held next Friday at his beloved home from 12 to 3 p.m., fans of Martin are encouraged to attend the funeral and give back to the man who gave the world so much. However, with all the controversy regarding the man’s death, security analysts advise them to be careful as there are already rumors floating around regarding a “red funeral.”

Written by: PJ Marymee

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