Eagles’ Cafe, a popular local restaurant, has implemented drastic menu changes as part of a general overhaul of the restaurant’s branding, expected to continue into this November. The restaurant’s menu, originally consisting of typical American diner fare, has been reduced to two items, both of which are variations on a self-described “shit sandwich,” consisting of a dollop of human feces between two slices of sourdough bread.

The two varieties of the sandwich are differentiated through their condiments. The “Blue Shit Sandwich” features bleu cheese ranch dressing, while the “Red Shit Sandwich” is adorned with red chili flakes. While cafe owner Cora Perette insists that the two are “wildly different flavor adventures,” many recent patrons of the restaurant have struggled to find anything past the feeling of fecal matter in their mouths.

Still, while customers agree that the new menu choices are of poor quality, some have quickly grown attached to the new menu items and have coalesced into factions to defend their sandwich of choice.

Ella Fante, an enthusiastic member of the so-called “Red Sandwich Coalition,” was more than happy to share her criticisms of the Blue Shit Sandwich.

“The Blue Shit Sandwich? You can’t trust it!” scoffed Fante. “Bleu cheese, that’s the one that literally has mold in it, right? See, the Blue Shit Sandwich is rotten to its core! That’s why I’ll only eat Red Shit Sandwiches, thank you very much. Look — look over at the other table, the one with the Blue Shit Sandwich! Look at how it’s stacked! Crooked, I tell ya!”

On the other side of the aisle, Don Key, a constituent of the “Blue Sandwich Caucus,” acknowledges that he is defending a sandwich composed of human excrement, but insists that, at the very least, the Blue Shit Sandwich is better than the Red Shit Sandwich.

“Just think about what happens if you get chili flakes in your eyes,” said Key. “At least getting bleu cheese in your eyes isn’t a medical emergency. That’s gotta count for something, right? I mean, sure. It’s a sandwich made of shit. I get that. But that’s the choice we’ve got, so I might as well choose the less-shitty shit sandwich.”

Cafe regulars not involved in the “Sandwich Debate” have expressed their discontent in various ways. Longtime customer Libby Greene expressed disbelief at the idea that only Shit Sandwiches remained on the menu.

“It can’t be just two shit sandwiches, right?” protested Greene. “There’s gotta be a third non-shit item somewhere right? I swear I saw that Cora Perette lady throwing a box of lettuce into the storeroom in the back. Maybe it’s like In-N-Out. If I ask politely, they’ll still make me a normal sandwich, right? Right?”

Other dissatisfied customers are less optimistic. Ron A. Wei, a former regular at the cafe, is now looking for a new restaurant to call home.

“It’s a shame, you know. I thought we had a real nice thing going at Eagles’ Cafe,” said Wei. “But if Shit Sandwiches are the future? Sorry, not having any of that. Now I’ll just have to find a new place to spend lunch break at. I hear there’s this place just to the north of here that has really good poutine.”