“I have yet to see a villain tie someone to the road,” one student commented.
Photo by Amit Roth
Amid a flurry of UC-wide budget cuts, UC San Diego has reduced access to “unnecessary” university services by limiting hours of student employment and ending 24/7 access to Geisel Library. Despite the decrease in “extraneous” amenities, Chancellor Pradeep Khosla assures that the university is “working tirelessly to come up with better solutions that also happen to cost us less money” and that UCSD is “still dedicated to the health and well-being of [its] donors — sorry, students.” In line with these changes, Khosla recently revealed in a campus-wide announcement that the university will begin a total restructuring of its transportation services.
These plans include mass firings, the appointment of a new Director of Transportation, and the demolition of most shuttle routes. Most prominently, the university’s transportation vehicles will also receive their own share of “budget streamlining.” Deciding to donate the retired shuttles and carts to the “poor, spatially-deficient, and clearly struggling SDSU campus,” the department will boast a fleet of three “low-speed, no-rail” trains beginning in the 2025–2026 school year.
Designed by renowned railway engineers at Wattman Premium Trains, these trains are planned to replace the current shuttles for the Inside Loop, Outside Loop, and SIO routes, each taking approximately two hours to complete the circuit. According to Khosla, “the lil’choo-choos have a top speed of four miles an hour, iPads attached to each wagon playing top Disney XD hits, and free dinosaur stickers for every rider. What’s not to love?” Beta users of the trains have reported that fidget toys are also provided.
While not yet approved for main road usage, these trains will run in the existing bike and scooter lanes and will warn potential micromobility users on the tracks by continuously playing the Bluey theme through the main engine’s speakers. When asked if current requirements for shuttle drivers to possess a commercial driver’s license will carry over, Khosla responded, “That’s the thing, we don’t need to train any more drivers. Perfectly capable 9-year-olds are ready and willing to take the helm for the low, low cost of a sandwich and juice box!”
Reportedly, many students and staff are displeased with this development, with some claiming that “the train cars are meant for kids” and “the university thinks we’re literally a bunch of children.” In response to these criticisms, the new director of Transportation Services appeared for an impromptu speech in front of Geisel Library, sporting a conductor’s hat, and reiterating the widespread benefits of implementing the new train system. “Initially, we intended the trains to replace the carts for physically disabled students and staff,” the director explained. “The rest of you should be grateful that you even get to use them!”
