President of UCs Makes $570,000, Can Almost Afford UC Tuition


Written by: Summer Davis

Ever since the UC system moved off of the gold standard in 2015, this mound of useless garbage has just become a real problem for Napolitano.
Photo by: Matt Switzer

University of California President Janet Napolitano has almost reached her goal of funding her first year of college at a UC. Napolitano, who claims she couldn’t save enough of her $570,000 salary for tuition, is turning to crowdfunding platforms like Kickstarter and GoFundMe to “make those last few thousand dollars.”

“It’s been my childhood dream to attend a UC,” said Napolitano when asked for comment. “I sort of skipped to ruling over the UC system with an iron fist before actually attending one, but improvements in my assistant-hiring program have left my schedule open for the next four years. I seek out the most desper- I mean, enthusiastic UC students who then go through a rigorous application process to assess their ability to use Microsoft Word and carry my bag.”

Napolitano, who reportedly “has nothing to lose at this point,” is planning on applying with a major in political science because she “really enjoy[s] the sound of President Napolitano.” She also stated her intent to participate in various student organizations, such as Future Leaders of the UC System and Tritons for Napolitano.

Napolitano’s project on GoFundMe is titled “Help Me, an Average Californian with No Connections to the UC System, Attend a UC.” Although Kickstarter is designed to fund creative projects, Napolitano bypassed this rule by titling her project “Help Me, a Creative, Average Californian with No Connections to the UC System, Creatively Attend a UC.”

Many residents of California expressed surprise that even Napolitano couldn’t afford to attend a UC, believing it was only their children who were that unfortunate. New protests ignited among students and parents who were upset over Napolitano taking a valuable place at a UC. The protests lasted approximately two hours before dying out.

“You would think that of all people, she would be able to afford it. I mean, she could at least lower tuition for herself. That kind of corruption wouldn’t surprise anyone at this point,” said UC San Diego student Kelly Reynolds.

One of Napolitano’s assistants responded to this idea with a tuition plan of his own.

“I advised her to get two jobs, but she said that was ‘too much work for one degree,’” said the anonymous assistant. “So then I proposed Plan B — we start more construction projects at whichever school she chooses to attend. Then, we use that as a cover to hike up tuition even more for the students. But the twist is that all of that extra money goes to President Napolitano’s bank account!”

The assistant expressed regret that Napolitano’s response was that she’d “been there, done that.”

Sources close to Napolitano believe that it should be no surprise that her salary doesn’t cover tuition.

“Realistically, only the employees of the UC system who are making over $700,000 can afford to pay tuition up front; everyone else takes out loans,” said another one of Napolitano’s assistants. “I make over $100,000 a year but can only afford to take four units. Probably.”

At press time, Napolitano’s projects had made a total of $48,000, or about 22 percent of her goal. Supporters have left comments such as “#Napolitano2016” and “#YouMeanTheIceCreamRight.”

Napolitano expressed hope for her future as a UC student, commenting that “if this crowdfunding thing doesn’t work out, there’s always the FAFSA. I just hope I won’t have to take out loans. I’ve heard that student debt can be a real downer.”

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