November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II


Neighboring Holidays Grow Nervous as Christmas Continues to Expand

Written by: Chris Jin

The elves weren’t happy about these events, but still thought it was better than living in a “desolate place ruled by a harsh man.”
Photo by: Connor Gorry

The holidays of October and November have grown increasingly more concerned as Christmas has begun expanding into late November, the latest development in Christmas’ unrelenting campaign to “bring the calendar under the rule of Santa Claus.” As the forces of Christmas near the border of the major November holiday of Thanksgiving, holidays all over the calendar have called for a coalition effort to contain the Christmas threat.

Christmas began its rise late last year, starting with an unabated advance into the territory of New Year’s Day and evolving into near-total control of the month of December. The aggressive seizure of major retail shelf space in December has created a flood of December refugees seeking asylum in October and November holidays, creating a humanitarian crisis as many of these holidays lack the means to integrate the refugees into their own shelf space.

Thanksgiving, one of the holidays closest to the warzone, has attempted to accommodate the refugees in camps in the border region of Night-Before-Black-Friday, where overcrowding and long lines have become major problems.

The leader of the Thanksgiving Organizing Council, Corun Copia, echoed his holiday’s rising frustration, saying, “We are doing everything we can to give the December-ians what they need, but there is only so much of the Thanksgiving turkey to go around. At this point, our holiday is stuffed to its limit. The other holidays must do their part to carry some of the extra weight.”

The October holidays, one of the other major destinations of the refugees, have had their own problems dealing with the tide of immigrants. The holiday of Halloween has been a particular target of criticism for their response to the influx, characterized by attempting to deter refugees from coming to Halloween by citing a “food shortage.” Jack Orbán Lantern, leader of Halloween, summarized his holiday’s position by saying, “Please do not come here. We do not have anything to give you. Please move on and knock on someone else’s door.”

The fellow October holiday of Oktoberfest has been noted for its marked contrast in its response to the crisis, with Oktoberfest president Sara Krautt inviting December-ians to “come and have a jolly time.” The celebrants of Oktoberfest, however, have been divided on how to receive the December refugees, with many concerned that the refugees will ruin the spirit of the holiday.

Many of the beleaguered October and November holidays have awaited the response of the Fourth of July, a July holiday that has yet to feel the effects of the crisis in December.

While the Fourth of July has provided support for the December resistance by blasting Bruce Springsteen songs in Christmas-controlled territory, it has made few dents in Christmas’ momentum as Christmas carols drown out the Fourth of July’s attempts to control the airwaves. The Fourth of July has also been criticized for their indirect role in providing Christmas with advanced fireworks, which the Fourth of July had originally provided to allied New Year’s forces.

The newly-elected President of Fourth of July, Donald Card, asserted his holiday’s intent to stay their current course of action at the recent United Holidays conference. However, when confronted with the allegation that the Fourth of July was responsible for the state of affairs in December, Card reportedly responded with a furious tirade that was mostly unintelligible to the conference’s interpreters, who were only able to translate numerous asides to “Labor Day and Chinese New Year making out in the back room to the sound of Tchaikovsky.”

Vladimir Takeout, the leader of Labor Day, could not be reached for comment as he, along with the leader of Chinese New Year, were mysteriously absent after the conference.

Content Dad at The MQ

Chris Jin is a fourth year at UCSD

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