Feeling Introspective
Every day I set up at another table at another college with another microphone and another stack of white hats. But these days, I never seem to have my head in the game.
It all started last year, when this whole schtick first began. It was fun at first; I finally got to get out of that cramped studio and into the world.
Yet, as I travelled from school to school, arguing with person after person, the walls of my studio began to follow me. The faces of the people I encountered became mere silhouettes as I realized just how alone I really was. They all want the same thing from me: the hard opinions, the Jesus rants. They rebuke me for my teachings. But no one is ever truly listening to me.
It’s the same cycle of “Charlie, what are your thoughts on the homosexuals?”, “Charlie, what are your thoughts on abortion?” Is it so bad to say that, in reality, I really don’t give a shit?
What if I wanted to talk about something else today? I have a life, and no one cares. Each day, I stare out at the floods of fans who don’t even care about me — the real me — despite how good they are at pretending. They adorn their shirts with the likeness of Donald, all while showering me with surface level compliments. But can any of them love me, if they don’t truly know me? Why does no one ever ask me about my day? My life? Do you not hear my cries for help over the sound of the crowd, roaring over our useless debates? And don’t get me started on their eyes. I can’t bear to look at their eyes anymore. Glazed over, soulless. Just like the studio walls, they surround me. They suffocate me. I’m trapped.
Don’t you understand? It doesn’t matter who I am — what I say. That’s the crux of it all: I don’t care. I never cared. I don’t have it in me to keep up this charade of ardent conservatism. All I ever wanted was just a bit of love and tenderness — from anyone, anyone at all. If nobody wants to know who I am, on the profound level that I so deeply wish to be known, I will just have to keep talking… and talking… and talking, until they finally do.
Is that too much to ask?
