Anonymous sources report that Genesis 38 will soon be added to UCSD’s Principles of Community.
Photo by Erica Rosslee
In a bold move that university officials are deeming “demographically necessary,” UC San Diego announced its plans to implement new mandatory mixed-gender “fertility” housing across the campus dormitories starting next academic year. This initiative comes as a response to what the nation has dubbed “the great American population decline” — a slight dip in national birth rates that has caused much controversy in the federal government.
“This was not an easy decision,” Chancellor Pradeep Khosla said during a recent press conference. “But in order to support our great nation in this time of emergency, we have made the tough decision to mandate fertility housing for all. We as Americans cannot simply stand by and watch as our na-
tion’s greatness stagnates by even a fraction of a percentage point! As a renowned research institution, we hold the responsibility to educate our students and promote the creation of the next generation of tuition and tax-paying citizens!”
The university’s new “Roommates to Chromosomal Donors” initiative will deliberately pair students with members of the opposite sex in dormitories, with the goal of fostering “meaningful connections” that university officials hope will eventually result in higher birth rates among students and alumni.
This announcement came weeks after Fox News’ viral four-hour special featuring Justin Bieber titled “Baby, Baby, Baby, No: America’s Silent Extinction,” which warned that at the current rate of reproduction, Americans would go completely extinct by the year 2500.
“We’ve done extensive research on this topic,” explained Dr. Ray Productive, the head of UCSD’s new Department of Fertility and Population Studies. “By strategically assigning roommates based on astrological compatibility through careful analysis of zodiac signs, we project a 78% increase in future Triton babies. It’s all simply data-driven decision-making, showcasing the work our school is doing to aid our nation during this great crisis!”
However, student reactions have been mixed. “I came here to study chemistry, not to become some campus-wide dating experiment,” said second-year Birthney Controlla, who received notice that her single room would be converted into a double with a Finance major who lists “playing the devil’s advocate” as his favorite hobby. “Honestly, I don’t have time for this. I’m trying to pass organic chemistry, not start a family.” Freshman Biology student Ava Rae seemed confused about the initiative’s goals. “So they want us to procreate for course credit? Is this a GE requirement? I swear no one told me about this at orientation!”
However, not all students oppose this change. Ivan Chell, a fifth-year Political Science major, expressed his enthusiasm for the cause: “Finally, the administration is addressing a real crisis. My favorite anti-woke podcast has been warning about the fertility rate crisis for years! As a true patriot, I volunteer as tribute to do my part and heal our country during this dreaded emergency!”
The university has implemented additional measures to combat the decline, including replacing the newly-renovated Sunshine Market’s energy drinks with prenatal vitamins, converting RIMAC into a massive two-story daycare facility, opening Price Center’s very first sperm bank, and transforming the university’s Women’s Center into a “Mommy and Me” support center.
When asked if forcing students to live in mixed-gender fertility housing would birth privacy concerns, Title IX violations, or general discomfort, Chancellor Khosla defended the initiative, stating, “Sometimes a great sacrifice is required for the greater good. The university’s population growth rate is already dipping below 0.7%. If that is not an emergency requiring immediate action from our student body, I don’t know what is.”
The program is projected to increase the population of the La Jolla area by 25%. Other universities within the nation are set to follow this initiative, in attempts to increase birth rates nationwide.
