“Wait, you guys are in it for the parking spot?”, said one competitor.
Photo by Jordan Whitlow
Amid Trump’s recent attack on public university budgets, UC San Diego has decided to partner with the Gamemakers of the Hunger Games. This quarter, budget cuts forced the campus to remove all but one parking spot, which caused “inner turmoil and stress” among students. Many expressed fear of the partnership, with one student noting, “Katniss Everdeen is my spirit animal. I’m 6’4″ by the way.” Students’ grades have dropped within 14 days following the event’s announcement, as competitors have reportedly spent all their time preparing on the RIMAC stairmasters.
The games will take place on top of Geisel Library on June 6, honoring the birthday of Chancellor Khosla’s hairless cat, Bartholomeow. Students will have until 10 p.m. before a winner is crowned, as Geisel Library cannot support the games continuing past its operating hours. According to an anonymous faculty member, students who stay at the Library past closing time will be detained and politely asked to compete in next year’s UCSD Hunger Games. Khosla has also announced that midterms and finals will not be canceled for any reason. When this received online backlash from students, the Chancellor released a campus-wide announcement stating, “Ngl that’s tuff.”
UCSD Transportation Services announced in a press release that the parking spot, located on the south side of Eighth College, can fit “only a Prius at most.” Students have created protective coalitions and groups to make the subsequent issue of “parking ticket gambling” safer for all. One group formed the “Gliderport Student Neighborhood Watch,” with the purpose of seeking other alternatives besides fighting to the death. The group provides resources and aid for students who choose to park illegally at Gliderport every day.
In spite of these peer-led counterprojects, over 500 students have entered the competition, a majority being seniors looking to drive around their freshman friends. Many other groups on campus have reacted negatively to the information, including those who don’t own cars. In response, participants of the Games have stated that non-driving students simply need to “get their money up.” One group in particular sees the Games as a “golden opportunity.” UCSD fraternity Alpha Sigma Beta has decided to “embrace” the competition, and has “politely coerced” pledges to join the battle, with the promise of a 30 rack of beer upon winning, along with the honor of standing in the parking spot on occasion. Members expressed worry about the possibility of injury, and onlookers described the pledges as “terrified” and “scared for their lives.”
Despite this, the stress of the UCSD Hunger Games has brought students together. As Bartholomeow’s birthday approaches, many students have protested the event by carrying spray bottles to symbolize their anger. Students claimed that “the inhumane nature of battling for a parking spot barely larger than a compact sedan” is what “infuriated them the most.” One student said, “If the spot could fit my RAM, then I might actually enter the competition.”
