“The future is coming,” said lead designer Elliot D’Amore.
Photo by Jordan Whitlow
Last week, UC San Diego announced the opening of the Triton Seed Vault — a new, student-run sperm bank — on the first floor of Price Center. The facility will be open 24/7, reflecting the “measured” biological rhythms of the university’s academically rigorous students. It will be located between Santorini and Burger King, ensuring that students can “grab a quick meal or drink after their generous contributions.” While currently in a soft-opening period, the Vault will officially open in Fall 2025.
The Triton Fertility Plan, codenamed Project Release, was spearheaded by UCSD Bioengineering dropout and self-proclaimed “sexpert” Jeremy. Project Release originated as Jeremy’s senior capstone project before his student career was suddenly terminated due to several academic integrity violations. “The solution to UCSD’s dry spell came to me after several beers: why worry about your future when your future can worry instead, cum laude?” Jeremy said.
With the help of UCSD’s top bioengineers, the screening and sperm donation process was streamlined to the micrometer. “The only characteristic that would bar you from supplying your seminal fluid is a GPA below 3.5. You’ll donate twice a week, abstaining from sex and masturbation for at least 48 hours before each session,” Jeremy ejaculated. “To sweeten the deal, we’ll pay you $100 in cold, hard Dining Dollars for each donation.”
Chancellor Pradeep Khosla, who greenlit Project Release, weighed in at the Vault’s unofficial Vas-Deferens-cutting ceremony. “It’s not enough to be the third biggest UC. Project Release is building up to my 20-year plan to put UCSD on the map,” Khosla proclaimed. When asked whether he would be contributing personally to the Vault, Khosla said, “Let’s just say that I believe in leading by example.”
According to Project Release’s architectural vision statement, each desk will offer the familiar ambience of finals week: isolating, overstimulating, and humid. The sperm bank’s interior design features a lecture-themed minimalist donation area, boasting rooms complete with mood lighting, soundproofing, and iPads preloaded with visualization materials from BIPN 134. “We sought to capture the essence of academic arousal for our clientele’s biotic liquidation,” said lead designer Elliot D’Amore. “Self-care is research experience. This isn’t just a donation center — it’s a gathering of knowledge: a self-study hall.”
While the Vault works out various organizational kinks, students can schedule preliminary deposits through the official UC San Diego app, which has already crashed several times. Due to the overwhelming wave of prospective users, logging in now requires a letter of recommendation and a signed waiver. “We appreciate the thousands of you applying, but we can’t take on everyone even if Jeremy insists we could,” commented one Vault administrator.
Students who participated have shown unprecedented excitement for the seed dispersal amenities. “I finally feel happy with myself,” said an anonymous student. “I clock in, clock out, and leave with more dignity than I ever had as a TA.” The Seed Vault has found an especially enthusiastic following within the Bio- logical Sciences department: “Imagine my surprise when I found out I could use this as fieldwork for my résumé,” said Human Biology major Chad Tucker. “I especially enjoyed the thrilling, yet comedical ‘Khosla-approved’ erotica they make in-house.”
Despite concerns about a massive increase in testicular torsion rates, UCSD administration predicted that the Vault will be “the most important pull factor for incoming freshmen and transfers.” While no children have been born from the program yet, the success of the trial period led to the funding for an egg donation sister location with the work ing title “Fertile Crescent”, and the second-story expansion of the Vault. “Today, we innovate sperm. Tomorrow, your ovaries,” Jeremy vowed.
