“Research log number 58,” said Dr. Melmacchiato. “Patient 437’s blood has become carbonated.”
Photo by Dylan Schmidt
Leading biochemists Drs. Camille Sinensis and Cara Melmacchiato recently revealed in an X post, formerly known as a Tweet, thread that the institutions formally known as “colleges” have in actu- ality been research facilities for a longitudinal study testing the limits of human caffeine consumption.
Aspects of the experiment included designing college workloads to be large enough to prevent sleeping, working with energy drink manufacturers to create as many variations and flavors of sugary caffeinated drinks as possible, and enticing those attracted to the ostensible purpose of “education and research” with the opportunity to continue on to what researchers refer to as “graduate school,” so that subjects could be retained for longer. Furthermore, the offering of the “PhD degree” made it possible to further extend the research period to six years or longer, while the “master’s degree” ensured at least two more years.
Sinensis stated that the “experiment was yielding extremely promising results,” reporting that under the right circumstances, the median person’s lethal dose of caffeine is “practically unbounded.” According to Sinensis, “the biggest problem is finding a way to ingest the minimum effective dose to prevent “cranial ramifications.” Those things that you call ‘heart palpitations’? That’s just your heart working very hard, and we need that in our sedentary lives.” Sinensis’ team also expressed hopes that this research will “supercharge the economy by making sleep unnecessary,” and induce “mental time dilation” making it possible to “fit at least two hours in one.” According to Melmacchiato, “Once we get this experiment running in some workplaces, the American economy will be- come unstoppable. Just imagine, workers at every grocery store being able to work a full day’s shift without getting tired. Mental health services are gonna make bank dealing with people’s constant anxious jitters!”
Following this announcement, the UC San Diego administration has decided to embrace the legacy of the experiment, branding themselves as one of the “most promising experimentation sites in the country.” Housing, Dining and Hospitality approved a pilot test run of “analytical-grade caffeine made by and for UCSD students” in select markets. In compliance with the “energization of instruction,” the Department of Chemistry and Biochemistry has introduced a mandatory four-quarter sequence, CHEM 153AL–DL: Caffeine Production I–IV, for seniors to serve as required “industry experience.” These courses will test the “quarter-quarter” timescale, which will cover the same material as a typical quarter on an accelerated timescale, and will offer complementary energy drinks to compensate. With required summer enrollment, a “mass exodus from the department” was reported by many former chemistry majors.
