“Always, somewhere, someone is fighting for you. As long as you remember me, you are not alone.”
Photo by Amit Roth
In a revelation that has left UC San Diego “crying and throwing up,” Chancellor Pradeep Khosla announced that he has been stuck in a time loop, forced to relive his tenure perpetually until he attains universal student approval. “Ladies and gentlemen, I am a regressor,” Khosla announced. “I’m not taking this novel concept lightly — I will achieve what no UC Chancellor has ever achieved.”
Khosla, who has served indefinitely as Chancellor since 2012, disclosed that his regression ability first manifested after he was brutally run over by an Inside Loop bus while pursuing an undergraduate who “dared to question UCSD’s ‘premium’ tuition costs.” “It was… a misunderstanding with severe budget implications. The next thing I knew, I wasn’t in court, but back at my inauguration,” Khosla recounted. “I thought it was a hangover, but I was struck by a derailed Blue Line trolley and woke up back at the beginning. Over and over again. There was no way out, until my mission was laid out before me in a dream — I was at Sunshine Market and the self-checkout screen glitched, saying, ‘Student Approval Rating: 1%’. I then dedicated my lives to breaking this cycle.”
However, every single attempt to better the school turned for the worse for Khosla. “Every time I think I’ve cracked it by adding another sky-rise, cutting down departments, or building an even more space-efficient parking structure, I’d hit 0% and get assassinated by some mode of public transport, or even a scooter. We’re talking about thousands of alternate universes now,” said Khosla. “I’ve seen the Sun God Festival canceled more times than I can count. At this point, I think I’m just addicted to losing.”
Khosla confessed that in one of his earliest timelines, he was betrayed by UC President Michael V. Drake, who blocked his plans to gamify UCSD’s expansion. Supposedly sworn enemies in another timeline, Khosla unlocked a “super-rare” relationship after his 51st reset. “I hated him, but he was the only one who truly understood me in all timelines,” Khosla admitted. “He assigns quests like ‘Become the School’s Top Streamer’, ‘Install More Hammocks’, and ‘Make King Triton Queen Triton’. Even with his help I’ve never breached 10%, much less gotten to first base.”
Khosla’s attempts to refine his communication skills have been a recurring failure in every timeline. “I tried writing heartfelt messages to students about mental health resources,” he lamented. “One of them came through as ‘UC San Diego Spam Quarantine.’ I poured my soul into writing these, but no one ever got past so much as ‘Timely Warning – Micromobility Device Theft (Motor Vehicle).’” One student weighed in: “He sent me four emails in a row that just said ‘u good?’ I was not, so I reported him for harassment.”
Despite his repeated failures, Khosla reports one consistent trait: maxed-out charisma. “I’ve seduced countless donors,” Khosla revealed, while recalling the thrill of securing yet another billion-dollar endowment. “They flock here like it’s a Black Friday sale. Lockheed Martin, Walmart, and even Jeffrey Bezos can’t resist me. Not the students. No amount of reasoning, or this cool sword I found, can cut down their unionized walls.”
Before his life is prematurely claimed by another “trolley problem,” Khosla passes on a precautionary valediction for all of UCSD with a refreshed penchant for suffering: “I feel you’ve all pulled back,” Khosla admitted. “However, I am nothing if not persistent. Even if I have to email you all 200,000 times or sit through every parking ticket hearing in my bespoke oxfords, I will repeat it until my unquenchable love is clear.”
