All Top Tens


  1. “Welcome to the first day of class”
  2. “I’m giving you my personal email, but I never really check it”
  3. “I wrote the textbook”
  4. Nothing audible, they couldn’t get the microphone to work
  5. “I’ve never really believed in homework, so the midterm will be 50 percent of your grade”
  6. “My office hours are [during one of your classes]”
  7. “And I’m sure you all have your iClickers ... ”
  8. “Since I probably won’t see half of you again until the midterm, please remember to bring your student ID and a pencil, scantrons will be provided”
  9. “Please don’t hesitate to stop me if you have a question”
  10. “Please hold all questions until the end of the lecture”

  1. The bees accept your invite to go out for drinks
  2. Bees don’t have a union
  3. They don’t always jam the copy machine, like that damn Tom
  4. If you’re feeling chilly you can get them to swarm and dry hump you until you’re warm
  5. They were literally made to work
  6. Bees won’t judge you for wearing the same thing three days in a row because they wear the same thing every day
  7. There are more parking spots for you
  8. Bees aren’t as easily offended when you call their coffee shitty
  9. Bees communicate through dance, unlike Diane
  10. They’ll be extinct soon

  1. Apparently Kinetic Sand is not microwavable
  2. It’s the fashion police. You’re under arrest
  3. You left someone in your car and you forgot you locked it from the outside
  4. There’s no alarm, you just have tinnitus
  5. Your submarine is leaking
  6. Surprisingly, it doesn’t have to do with a massive fire
  7. That dead bank teller didn’t empty the safe fast enough
  8. You’re a fire alarm tester. This is your job, you idiot
  9. A crowbar isn’t a very good car key
  10. “I was hoping you knew”

  1. Using a bat to break a pinata is just too old school
  2. You’re interested in making your juggling act more exciting
  3. It was on sale so you might as well have it anyways
  4. Something about holding a chainsaw while talking to girls makes you more confident
  5. The British are coming
  6. This is your only chance to beat that samurai
  7. How else are you going to serve Bloody Marys at Mary’s birthday party?
  8. You gotta whack those weeds, if you know what I mean
  9. Your old one broke

  1. All the blood
  2. You cleaned too rigorously and dissolved the top of the floor
  3. There's no training wheel equivalent when it comes to property ownership
  4. The Homeowners' Association doesn't like the length of your bushes
  5. Avant-garde art clearly isn't for everyone
  6. Too much vigorous hip movement
  7. There were practical issues with sledgehammer soccer that didn't reveal themselves until after you started
  8. Duct tape doesn't fix everything
  9. "Hey, watch me puth this fuckin' chair through the wall"
  10. "Whoa, that fuckin' chair's through the wall"