All Top Tens


  1. “I’m just here for the open bar”
  2. There’s always that one jealous friend who one-ups you and announces theirs in a few months
  3. It feels like an inappropriate time to baptize that baby
  4. That slideshow your parents made is really humiliating
  5. “I specifically said no kids, why are there kids here?”
  6. Both can be traced back to a spring break trip to Vegas
  7. Your uncle brought his weirdly young girlfriend and is making everyone uncomfortable
  8. There’s that one asshole who’s going to propose to their significant other
  9. You’ll regret it in two months
  10. They’ll happen on the same day

  1. Swallowing swords has gotten way too easy for you
  2. Taking your shirt off normally isn’t as fun as just cutting it off
  3. In case you want to run with them
  4. To cut through all that police tape that’s still around your apartment
  5. To surprise your nemesis the next time you play rock-paper-scissors
  6. “Are you telling me you don’t normally use scissors to eat a sandwich?”
  7. To let everyone know you don’t need little kid scissors anymore
  8. To exact swift, sweet revenge for any future paper cuts
  9. Surgery isn’t just for medical professionals nowadays
  10. It’s surprisingly difficult to find an incredibly dull pair of scissors

  1. They clash with your underwear
  2. You didn’t have any cash, and the only other currency that that goblin took was denim
  3. You’re a magician and you just made your pants disappear
  4. Who needs pants when you have really, really long boots?
  5. The holes in your jeans manifested into one big hole
  6. Sometimes you just don’t have legs
  7. Who needs pants when you’ve got skin
  8. They were inexplicably wet
  9. Technically the restaurant is still obligated to give you service
  10. Easy access

  1. Your parents warned you that you’d have to do it eventually, but you never believed them
  2. “Oh God, I hope they don’t realize I was the one who did it”
  3. You spent as much time as you could in the bathroom
  4. It’s the only way you know you’re a true American anymore
  5. You’re not sure how this is legal
  6. Gives you time to think about much-needed reform to the justice system
  7. Your boss didn’t take it as a valid excuse to miss work
  8. You left the country to avoid this
  9. It felt unnecessary to wear a suit to this
  10. It’s not the mold that bothers you, but the injustice

  1. Placing an empty bowl outside your house with a sign that says “Take one”
  2. Passing out punch cards to Jimmy John’s with two holes punched out
  3. Administering flu shots because vaccination is important, kids
  4. Giving children fatherly affection
  5. Handing out mandatory pop quizzes
  6. Passing out rocks
  7. Handing out just candy wrappers – kids need to learn disappointment early
  8. Giving children the dignity they desperately need
  9. Passing out a signed copy of your book
  10. Giving children non-Halloween candy, suckers!